The absolute worst

So many of y'all have seen me share articles about mental illness,  most of the time about depression and panic disorder. Many of you  probably think I am just being a drama queen. Fair enough, I can  be loud and tell you I am going to cut you (which FYI, is my  passive aggressiveness coming out, I am actually a pacifist. I  truly am trying to tone that one down a lot). But there are times  when I have what I call a bad brain day. Some people wish they  could read minds, I do not wish anyone the experience of being  inside of my head. 

What is a bad brain day? Well, for me a bad brain day is when I  start looking back on every single interaction I had in a day and  trying to figure out how it could have gone better or if it could  have gone differently. One of my biggest fears is upsetting  someone. I am not good at being disliked, trust me. There are  reasons why I keep most people at arms length. It is because once  I let them any closer, they may not like how dark and twisty (yes,  Meredith Grey is onto something there) it gets. Today is one of  those days where I had a bad brain day. Sometimes, there are  triggers, other times my anxiety just kicks in. Today, as I was  leaving work, my brain just kicked into high gear and brought  everything I had done today up. It sucks, but that is what life is  like for me. I've learned to live with it, regardless of how much  the overthinking sucks.

Now onto the panic disorder side of things. I feel like some people  do not get what my panic disorder does to me. First, anxiety is  absolutely exhausting. There truly are days where I just want to  stay in bed and never leave. My panic disorder makes me who I am  regardless of whether I like it or not. The way I look at it is  that things could always be worse, but I'm extremely thankful they  are not. Second, there are triggers. Sometimes my panic attacks are  triggered by too much caffeine, too little sleep, tight spaces  (i.e. why I have to sit on the end of a row), or even nothing  at 

 all. My biggest trigger is sudden, loud noises. That is the reason  why I do not like thunder, popping balloons, or fireworks. If I  know that it is about to happen, I can cover my ears in enough time  to not be as panicked, but that is not always a solid solution.

I have been told that I do not have to know everything, that I am  just ruining the surprise. Well, I have had too little control over  so much in my life  (see: http://julia23bolton.blogspot.com/2014/01/how-to-thank-someone-with-southern.html) that I feel the need to try and control  what I can. I cannot stand surprises, I have had way too many of  them in my life to actually enjoy them. Maybe someday I will have  someone in my life who will make surprises fun again, I honestly  have no clue.

Here is the thing, I have a God who is greater than any disorder I  could ever have. It is amazing seeing His hand on every aspect of  my life so far. Without the experiences I have been through, the  depression, the panic disorder, and the anxiety, I have no clue  who I would be today. I would not change what I have been through  for anything. No matter what, God always prevails, and that is why  I am able to hope even in the midst of my panic. To end this post,  I am going to share one of my favorite pieces of scripture, Psalm  66:10-12. 

"For You, God, tested us;

You refined us as silver is refined.

11 

You lured us into a trap;

You placed burdens on our backs.

12 

You let men ride over our heads;

we went through fire and water,

but You brought us out to abundance."