Today isn't a good day in my brain. I'm not 100% sure why. So I decided to blog and sort of give y'all an inside view of what my mind looks like on days like today. I guess I should start by answering y'alls first question: why isn't it a good day in your brain today? Well, if I could answer that I would probably attempt to fix it on my own, because I don't like depending on others to help me. It's funny because people don't normally see this side of me; the sad, depressed, unhappy Julia. I really don't like letting this side come through.
All of this anxiety and depression, the way my brain sometimes runs now, is because of everything I've been through. Y'all know what all that is, the blog about it got a whole lot of views and I know most of you read it. Sometimes, my mind just decides to go back to that. It's like a flashback to high school, and that honestly sucks, I don't choose to relive these things. Yeah okay, "mind over matter," right? Well it is my mind that is doing this to me. Why would I ever flip back to being depressed or anxious when I've been doing so good? I don't know. It isn't my decision. If I had the choice, I would be happy go lucky smiling so big that my face hurts. I have the most amazing friends (which I talk about all the time to y'all), the most amazing people I worked with at camp this summer (who I also talk about all the time), and the most amazing major/people in my major (who I've told most of y'all about), so why should I have to be in this mindset right now?
Depression isn't anyting to play with. I mean, I've lived with it for so long, I know that's what I'm feeling tonight. For me personally though, I'm hitting a wall right now. Yeah, I forgave all the people who tormented me, but depressed Julia doesn't give a crap about that. Depressed Julia wants to be mad and angry at all those people. So why is it so easy to go from happy to depressed? Because of my insecurities. I am probably the most insecure person some of y'all will ever meet in your lives. I've been beat down for so long that I can't get back up. Happy Julia promises to conquer this. I know that I've got God on my side.
Funny story, on July 12 I was sitting outside the chapel in Kentucky with Jules and Zach reminiscing on the summer and just spending a little bit longer as JJZ (double JZ). Legitimately one of the best nights of the summer (there were a lot of those). As we were sitting there they were remembering what the first few days were like when all of the staff arrived. Zach talked about how I was the first few days. He said that everyone could tell that I was ready to make a run for it. I would always sit by the door and not talk to anyone. I wasn't actually ready to run (I don't run). I sat there because it was cooler and if I needed to get out to the bathroom or anything, I didn't want to get in anybodys way by having to walk around or over them.
Now to my biggest issue: panic/anxiety disorder. There is absolutely nothing fun about having panic attacks, about being scared to meet new people, about trying new things. The one that I struggle with the most is definitely meeting new people. I am absolutely awful at it. Anytime I meet someone new I get scared that I'm going to upset them, or that I'm not good enough. Of course, I do that with everything because I never feel like I'm good enough (not to sound cocky, but I'm flipping awesome). To those of y'all who made me feel like I'm worth nothing, you've ruined me. Yeah, with the blog about forgiving you I made it seem like I'm perfectly fine, but I'm not. Y'all left permanent emotional (and physical) scars that I pray to someday recover from.
I don't choose anxiety. It isn't something I'd wish upon my worst enemy because nobody deserves to feel like I am right this second. Crying it out normally helps, but I don't even have the tears for it tonight. Anyways, back to meeting new people and being awful at it. People wonder why I'm so socially awkward, my past is why. I refuse to give anyone 100% of me until I feel I can trust them. And to the people who I've not quite started to trust yet, please be patient with me. They say that trust is a hard thing to earn and that's doubly true with me. The people I trusted way back when shattered it with a snap of their fingers. So I'm sorry, I'm trying. Even if you're one of my friends and it seems like I'm a little off or not into it, be patient. I am trying, it takes me a while and I am so extremely sorry for that. I let my bullies have so much power over me and I'm still trying to get out from under the weight of that pain. Yes, I am on medicine for my anxiety, it has helped me tremendously. You think it's bad now? Imagine what it was like when I was in high school. It was awful.
I don't know what I did to get blessed with the people in my life. I must be the luckiest girl in the world because the people that I'm surrounded by are the best people. I thank God every day for them and I know that He is working through them to help me through this. God has huge things in store for me and I am so extremely excited to see what He has planned. I'm gonna leave y'all with my favorite verse, which is extremely cliche because it's most people, but it was with me when I started dealing with my issues. It's Jeremiah 29:11, and when I first read it, I just couldn't see the beauty in that verse. But God pulled me through my situation and I now know that verse helped me survive, it still does.
Thanks for reading this y'all. I'm feeling so much better now that I've blogged this out.
One of my favorite inspirational songs. <-------- Listen to this.
