I apologize to the people who bullied me. I am still in the process of forgiving you. There has just been so much dislike built up in my heart for y'all for so long. I don't want to say it's hatred, because I have been able to work through that. But the effects of what y'all put me through have, up until now, seemed almost irreversible.
Not only do y'all deserve better, but so do I. I deserve to be happy and each second I keep dwelling on the past, I let y'all win. That can't keep happening. I have let my past define me for far too long. I'm over having a panic attack every time I go home or go to the freaking grocery store with my mom and inadvertently run into someone I knew. I'm 25 for goodness sakes, I have to start living MY life.
Now that I've said that, I can admit probably my biggest flaw, my picking. Many of you have seen me, or seen pictures of me, and you've seen the scars on my arms and legs. One of the cafeteria workers yesterday stopped me and asked what I did to my arm. At this point in my life, I'm used to that question. I've had to answer it for years. I've only told few people the reason why I pick so much. I'd always say it was because the bites itched, which was somewhat true towards the beginning of each bite. But the real reason is because when I would pick, it would almost be like I could feel the stress leaving my body. Picking at my bites was my way of self-harm.
Some people might try to tell me that it isn't a way of self-harm, but my scars would beg to differ. Honestly, I would try to pick more at the scars on my legs, so that way at least during the winter they would be less visible. Obviously now, that didn't work. At this point in my life, picking at my bites has become more of a habit than a form of release. I am at that point where I want to quit picking at my arms and legs, but I am almost scared to because that means that I don't have control anymore. It has always been the one thing I thought I could control and now that I am where I am in life, I need to relinquish that control.
I have the most amazing friends here at school and I want to quit picking because of them. Because they have shown me love and compassion. Because they taught me how to trust all over again. Because they have dealt with the crazy, insecurity that resulted from my past. Because they have dealt with my panic disorder with more grace than I ever have been able to. Because they were the first to reach out to me and haven't let go since. I am so extremely thankful for the people that God placed in my life here at school. Without them, I probably would have headed down a dark road.
To the people who are still in my life back home (who I actually have relationships with), thank you. Thank you for inadvertently staying with me even through the darkest times.
To my mentor Drew, thank you for allowing me the opportunity to be an athletic trainer in high school. I know that God placed sports medicine in my life for a reason, and it is only being removed from high school that I can see he placed it and you there as a way to help me.
To the many friends I have made at NGU, thank you. I honestly am speechless because I never knew friends could be so amazing. Y'all show me new reasons to be thankful for you each and every day. I can say without a doubt that y'all have changed my life for the better and you're all the reason I want to stop picking.
Finally, to everyone who is reading this. My scars will be present forever, but I refuse to look at them and think of what I went through. I want to look at them as a survivor. I also want to look at them and know how strong I truly am. I was strong enough to survive, even when I didn't want to. Everyone has scars. They are a part of life and you can either learn to look at them as a burden or as a blessing. Mine are a result of the things I have been through and I wouldn't change them for the world. I am in such a great place in my life right now, and I know God has amazing things in store for me, scars and all. I am happy.
