So y'all have seen me share a lot of stuff lately, ranging from cute dogs who died, to sports, to this lovely thing called PCOS. My blog tonight is about PCOS, or the actual name for it: Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I'm also going to tell y'all about my endometriosis and my depression and panic disorder.
PCOS. Four little letters that have changed my life immensely. PCOS is a hormonal endocrine disorder. 3 of the most visible symptoms for this disorder are the 3 B's: balding, bearding, and bulging. I wasn't diagnosed with this until my senior year of high school, so I had no clue why I had facial hair. All I knew was that it was so embarrassing to basically be growing a beard in high school. Balding, well, I was blessed in that aspect. I was blessed with thick hair, so while I lose a lot of hair, my hair is still so thick. But the biggest symptom of PCOS is bulging, or if I 'm going to be completely honest about it, fatness. I have battled with my weight most of my life, so it is nothing new to me. But each around the side remark I get makes dealing with it a little bit harder.
Y'all have all seen my blog about the bullying I went through. At the time I was going through that, I had no clue that I actually had a diagnosable medical disorder. In fact, no doctor until I went to the OBGYN ever thought to consider PCOS or even a health condition. With PCOS, if I'm not gaining weight, then I'm staying the same. You might be one of those people who is thinking, work out and/or eat better, well trust me, if that is all it took for me to lose weight, I more than likely would be about a third of what I currently weight. Yeah, I'm that fat. Some of the other symptoms that I have experienced/will experience are things like irregular menstrual cycles, ovarian cysts, diabetes, heart disease, and infertility. (I'll be talking more about the infertility once I talk about my endo.)
Endometriosis. What is it? Well, basically it is when endometrial tissue is found outside the uterus -- usually in the abdomen on the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and ligaments that support the uterus. So whenever it's shark week, watch out. Endo is an extremely painful thing to have. Also, for anyone who ever wonders/has wondered why I'm so open about shark week, this is why. When I say not to make me mad because it is or almost is shark week, please heed my warning, because I am hurting extremely badly and am trying to avoid having to handle someone.
Some of the other symptoms of endometriosis are somewhat similar to the PCOS symptoms, but they add in some things like fatigue, pain before and during shark week, and once again, infertility. That I word constantly sits in the back of my mind. I love family, and that is one thing that I have always wanted. To have a family. Knowing that I may not be able to give my future husband children of his own makes me feel awful. It's something that I can't control, and peace with that is something I pray for every day.
Now on to my depression and panic disorder. Going through the bullying I did, I naturally developed panic disorder. I have a legitimate fear of people a decent amount of the time. One of my favorite quotes goes something along the lines of, "She's cold, yes...but only because she once cared about someone who didn't care about her." Most of the people I trusted growing up were people who treated me like trash. And yet, I am still such a trusting person. I believe that there is good in everyone. It is so hard to have people sit there and say things like, "just trust in the Lord. He's got this." People also act like I don't know that. When I get told that, it makes me feel even worse because it makes me doubt. Doubt is debilitating. When people tell me that, it depresses me. It makes me think, "Do I really trust God with everything in my life?" I do NOT need to be questioning that. My fears literally pop up at me. I can be sitting in class and my mind wanders and I start thinking, "Hmmm, what if I..." Almost my entire life is inundated with what ifs.
I vow not to let any of these things define me. I am a survivor of the things I went through growing up. I smile through the depression. I don't let people know what is going on inside even though I am in almost a constant state of fear. I refuse to let my panic disorder run my life. I still wake up, still go to class, still hang out with friends, even though all I want to do is curl up in a ball and stay in bed. Yeah, I hate that maybe I won't be able to have kids, but I'm trying not to let that get in the way of me finding a future husband. All of these disorders are things that I could let run my life. But I absolutely refuse.
I WILL smile my way through each day.
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