These days, I try to be as normal as I possibly can. I have amazing friends here at school who are showing me what true friendship means. I apologize any time I accidentally bump into someone or get in their way because I am so jumpy. I am so used to having to change for people, so used to not being good enough. When it comes time to head to the caf, I leave earlier than all my friends because I don't want to inconvenience them with how slow I am. I am so scared to let people in to see the real me because the real me wasn't good enough for you when I was your "friend." I have a real nickname now. I felt so stupid when I thought for TWO years that "JIF" was a super cool nickname. How in the world could I not have known that it stood for Julia Is Fat?? And how in the world could I have let that senior call me "big bacon?" Heck, one person still calls me that and it sends me back into the past. Sometimes I just wonder why I wasn't smarter. I hung around and tried to fit in when that wasn't what I needed.
The rumors that I was told about were so awful. Someone said that I was behind the old field house having sex with someone?? Absolutely not!!! Was it because of my size? Was it because I wasn't pretty? Was it just because I was an easy target? I had to grow up a lot faster than all of you (my bullies), was that why? I'll never forget when I became an athletic trainer. It was the best thing that happened to me. It was the best three years of my life, but the afternoon when two of the athletes took my phone battery and told me to get down on my knees or they were giving me a swirly? I had never been faced with something like that before. This one is always a classic, what about in the second grade? When you punched me in the stomach every day, why in the world did I deserve that? I was eight, what did I do to you?
My friends here are the first people to deal with what happened to me. And when I say deal with, I mean they are dealing with the broken me. Not the Julia I was when you got me. You ruined me for so many people. When you had me you broke me beyond repair. Or at least at the time, I thought you had. There was that time when we were having a sleepover and we did "ugly" makeovers, but I was the only one who was forced to do it. Didn't you realize that I was already in pieces by then? There's also that time when you peed in a cup of sundrop and brought it to me. My God what did else did I let you do to me that I have no clue about? I trusted you. I was a naive girl at that point, I probably shouldn't have been. There's the time that you told the person I liked that I liked him. Twice. I don't think I'll ever recover from being told that you wouldn't like me and I quote "even if hell freezes over."
Y'all ruined guys for me, and you absolutely ruined me for guys. The man I end up with is going to have to overcome the barriers that you made me put up by hurting me.
The times you would ask the guy, "hey, how much do we have to PAY you to kiss her on the cheek," when I was right there with you. I felt worthless. No person should ever have to go through what I did. I spent most of what should be "the best years of your life" in a living hell. How about the scar I have in the front of my mouth from your elbow? I don't even remember why you did that to me. Most of the other ones I can remember reasons. Hahah, here's one: how about the time that you acted like there was some guy a "foreign exchange student" who totally wanted to meet me? Who was oh so perfect for me, but it really ended up being one of your friends who is a girl, who y'all were just playing a prank on me. Or the time you pretended to be a guy, who was someone I knew of, who is in a committed relationship. Or you, one I never expected, who made up a guy when I was young. He wasn't real!! I have no clue how I didn't see that.
Oooh, the people in my class who got my number and called acting like a guy who wanted to "hook up." Yeah, you know exactly who you are. We grew up together. I thought we were good friends. I don't know, maybe middle school changed you. And to the ones who would just say the hateful things to me. It was senior year. I already didn't like you because of the way you treated me before. When bubba came up to the high school, it slowed down a little. But even a little brother couldn't protect me from all of you. In honors English class when you called me stupid and said I wouldn't amount to anything you weren't the only one who believed it; the teacher did too. And by that point in my life, through everything I endured, all of the senseless crap that you put me through, I had started believing it. That day at lunch when I was wearing make up and you told me that I looked like they had put make up on a pig, yeah, haven't touched make up since. And to you who went around saying that I was a slut after I politely declined a date, that may have been the one situation that I didn't let bother me as much as the rest.
I think what hurt the most was the day you hit me in the side of the face with a football. At the time you said it was an accident, then I find out a person I thought I trusted actually bet you that you couldn't do it? That broke me. Of course, at that time I thought I could have trusted all of you. But the scar that runs from the top of my jaw to the front of my teeth on the inside of my mouth is a daily reminder that I should have never trusted any of you. I let you all in thinking I had made forever friends when all I made was awful memories. I would love to be that person who could say that they would change what was done to them, but I can't. Because if you hadn't tortured me I wouldn't be the shy, introverted person I am today. There were days when I would just want to stay home. In the sixth grade you told me that I didn't need help with math that I was just asking for attention; hmm, yeah, I've hated math ever since then. You can own that one hon. And to you who told me that I was not a good singer, congratulations, I believed it. I still don't do scales or drink olive oil before I sing. Oh, and I still believe what you told me, it's almost been ten years now.
And lastly, to all you who have called me fat, regardless of doing it to my face or behind my back, I have some news for you, I KNOW!! There was absolutely no need to keep hammering it into my brain. You treat me like I didn't have a mirror, I looked at it every day and when I couldn't see my ribs, I would be so disappointed in myself. It wasn't me who needed to change, it was y'all. Inner beauty is where it's at. To my mentor in high school, thank you so much for giving me the chance you did, I don't want to imagine what could have happened if I didn't become an athletic trainer. To the girl who helped me up junior year when I slipped twice in a row and the teachers just stood there staring, thank you so much. That was probably one of the first genuine acts of kindness I experienced in that school. To all of the bullies who broke and abused me, thank you. Evil and demeaning don't exactly sound strong enough to describe what you put me through.
To all of my best friends, here and at home, I love y'all. You're showing me what it means to be in a real friendship. You're helping me come out of my shell, you're helping me be as normal as I can be. I couldn't imagine my life without y'all.
<3 U !
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