Hahah. I truly should. I have my first PTRW test tomorrow (Principles of Theological Research and Writing). I've just had this nagging feeling to blog for a few days now, and some of you won't exactly like my subject of choice. As a single, twenty three year old woman, I felt maybe I should brush the subject of relationships. As a little background to my story I should firstly say that I have been single my entire life. Some people would view that as something to be ashamed of, not me! It's certainly helping me keep my purity pledge in tact.
Back in 2011-2012 I was Catfished. Yes, like the show Catfish. Before that I was dealing with an overwhelming insecurity about my ability to talk to people. That stemmed from what I talked about in my last blog (bullying). Due to my inability to talk to guys in person, I took to the internet in search of "the one."
Of course, before I can broach any of that, I have to go way back to my first sense of betrayal when I was 14 or 15. My "best" friend at the time made up this guy who she knew. It's crazy, I was 14, looking for acceptance in the world, and this person who I had never met came along like my knight in shining armor. It was, to me, the best thing that had ever happened. At that time I had a man who was, to my knowledge, real. The biggest problem was his age, I don't even remember how old she said he was. So I was 14 and falling for some complete stranger who I would email and AIM at the most random times, I just didn't put it together that it was mostly when she was at my house and up on the main computer while I was on the laptop. The day I found out I had been betrayed, oh my, I had gotten in so much trouble. I still couldn't believe that she did that to me. It took me so long to realize that she had spent the better part of almost two years lying to me. The fact that she'll probably message me for putting this on here, don't try to deny it friend, your parents told my parents everything (I forgive you).
Then there was the betrayal of some close friends who made up this foreign exchange student when I was a junior. Luckily, I wasn't nearly as gullible then. I had been put through so much by that point that I learned not to trust what they said. Then the same group of people contacted me from another random number and acted like a guy who graduated a year before me who, at that time, I actually believed was into me. Turned out he was in a completely committed relationship, and still is, with the same girl. I believe the fatal blow to my self esteem was when I was told by a person I liked that he wouldn't like me even if hell freezes over.
I do realize that some of this is overlapping from my last blog, that's probably something important.
In May of 2011 I took to online "dating" to try and find a relationship. I joined multiple dating sites, including one for big people because I believed I could only be loved by someone who is my size. That is when I met Ryan (not on the big people site), if that is indeed his name. We talked for five months, emailing back and forth, before he asked me to be his girlfriend. Every time he emailed, he called me beautiful. He would say he was having 'that problem,' the problem being that I wasn't in his arms. September 13, 2011 was when he asked me to be his girlfriend, and the next day was the first picture I ever saw of him. My word, he was gorgeous; and he was all mine. I felt so extremely special to have a boyfriend like him. The only downside was the he was from California. So here I was, small town girl from North Carolina in a relationship with a guy 3,000 miles away from me.
I fell for him so fast. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. He was my age, he played baseball, and he wanted me the way I was. Mind you, I am not a skinny girl. He truly made me feel beautiful. He would send me random pictures of things out West. He told me the most intimate details of his life, how his sister was moving in with him, a lot of things he would hate me putting in this blog right now. I quickly became friends with his sister and we were texting almost every day. Then, October 8 of 2011 he proposed. Oh how foolish was I? I had never heard the term Catfish at this point in my life, I was only 20. In March of 2012 he suddenly stopped talking to me, I have no clue why, his sister had no clue why. That March I buried one of the most important people in my life and Ryan wasn't in my life to comfort me. Finally in April he contacted me again, albeit only for a few short weeks, but he was in my life again. As a girl who had never experienced much outside of bullying, I was ecstatic. I, being me, was becoming more insecure because the communication started growing thinner until May 15, 2012; the last time I heard from him. The day of my brothers surgery, the day everything got turned upside down. There are times I go back and read the last email he sent me, I was making him feel like crap (except the explicit word for it) and he had no clue what to say to me anymore. Was it my fault? Did I scare off an amazing guy? The last text from him was telling me to go take a nap because I had been awake for, going on, 36 hours. Did he just not have the balls to actually tell me we were through? Questions I have to stop asking myself because he wasn't real.
As a 23 year old I look back on that time of my life and I wonder why I didn't know better. He wouldn't talk to me, he wouldn't Skype with me. People have commented on how stupid Manti Te'o is for having the same situation happen to him, but honestly, you have NO clue how it feels until it happens to you. I kept every single one of the emails I exchanged with him because to me, it was a time when I was loved.
Also as a 23 year old I can't imagine why I ever turned to online things. I have had God the entire time. Yes, people are constantly preaching to me about how I should take life slow and not be in a rush to get in a relationship. God has His will for my life, I know that; but at my age everyone is getting engaged, married, pregnant, or popping out a baby. It's so hard to keep focused on what God wants for me when all I can focus on is all the news on Facebook. I know so many people who are having babies and getting married this year (and I am happy for y'all), but it calls me to question if I ever will meet "the one," because right now that seems to be eluding me.
If there is anything to learn from this one, it's to let the Lord do His thing because in the end, He knows what is best for us.
