Fall break officially starts tomorrow and I'm SUPER excited for it! I get to have a reunion with some of my oldest friends who I have not seen in about five years.
Sadly, today is two months since my pawpaw passed away. Sometimes it feels like it has been much longer; others it feels like it has been only days. I miss hearing his voice and getting to watch Braves games with him. I just wish I knew for sure which Brave was his favorite. Makes me think of my Aunt Mert, I know he is happy to be up in Heaven with her. Sometimes it is extremely difficult to deal with the loss, today for example. And days when I am around my mawmaw. <3
Now to my shy complex. I am actually not sure if it is a shy complex or just an insane fear of rejection. Or both. The saying that goes 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,' is obviously a bit old. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about the things that have been done to me. A lot of them are not even things I want to put on here. They are things nobody knows about; other than the people who did them to me.
Yes, I am all about forgiveness; somehow I can not forget though. I was put through hell. I see some of the people who did this to me and I think "oh, okay. They get to be happy. I get to be haunted by the things they did to me." For some reason it does not seem fair. Life was never promised to be fair though, seems a little poetic.
I am absolutely terrified to let anyone get past the surface of my insecurities. It is as if I will let my guard down, and I will be the one to get hurt; they will just move on like nothing happened. I have guarded my heart for so long from meaningful relationships, but I have to learn how to let go. It is such a difficult process to change. My heart has been hardened for so long, there is so much to break down. I am a broken person. Battered, broken, bruised, and scarred.
I have managed to make a few close friends while I have been here at school, but how do I start to talk to guys? There is one I have a crush on here, yet, I am entirely too shy to even say 'Hi' to him. It is absolutely crazy. Maybe I am just thinking of it now because I'm nearly 23? Possibly because I have been single my entire life? I honestly have no clue.
God will bring me through this, he has brought me through it all before. Sometimes I get discouraged when I see all of the happy people around campus and I am just sitting there all alone. My time will come, I have faith in that.
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On another note, please pray for my campus, and the family of one of the students. He had an accident this evening and did not make it. I just pray for peace with the family and our student body.
I feel like I am under reacting, but I am able to empathize with their feelings; I lost two classmates the last two summers. I just pray that they know they have people to talk to. <3 I am praying for all of y'all.
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