What is a bad brain day? Well, for me a bad brain day is when I start looking back on every single interaction I had in a day and trying to figure out how it could have gone better or if it could have gone differently. One of my biggest fears is upsetting someone. I am not good at being disliked, trust me. There are reasons why I keep most people at arms length. It is because once I let them any closer, they may not like how dark and twisty (yes, Meredith Grey is onto something there) it gets. Today is one of those days where I had a bad brain day. Sometimes, there are triggers, other times my anxiety just kicks in. Today, as I was leaving work, my brain just kicked into high gear and brought everything I had done today up. It sucks, but that is what life is like for me. I've learned to live with it, regardless of how much the overthinking sucks.
Now onto the panic disorder side of things. I feel like some people do not get what my panic disorder does to me. First, anxiety is absolutely exhausting. There truly are days where I just want to stay in bed and never leave. My panic disorder makes me who I am regardless of whether I like it or not. The way I look at it is that things could always be worse, but I'm extremely thankful they are not. Second, there are triggers. Sometimes my panic attacks are triggered by too much caffeine, too little sleep, tight spaces (i.e. why I have to sit on the end of a row), or even nothing at
all. My biggest trigger is sudden, loud noises. That is the reason why I do not like thunder, popping balloons, or fireworks. If I know that it is about to happen, I can cover my ears in enough time to not be as panicked, but that is not always a solid solution.
I have been told that I do not have to know everything, that I am just ruining the surprise. Well, I have had too little control over so much in my life (see: http://julia23bolton.blogspot.com/2014/01/how-to-thank-someone-with-southern.html) that I feel the need to try and control what I can. I cannot stand surprises, I have had way too many of them in my life to actually enjoy them. Maybe someday I will have someone in my life who will make surprises fun again, I honestly have no clue.
Here is the thing, I have a God who is greater than any disorder I could ever have. It is amazing seeing His hand on every aspect of my life so far. Without the experiences I have been through, the depression, the panic disorder, and the anxiety, I have no clue who I would be today. I would not change what I have been through for anything. No matter what, God always prevails, and that is why I am able to hope even in the midst of my panic. To end this post, I am going to share one of my favorite pieces of scripture, Psalm 66:10-12.
"For You, God, tested us;
You refined us as silver is refined.
11
You lured us into a trap;
You placed burdens on our backs.
12
You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but You brought us out to abundance."
