The absolute worst

So many of y'all have seen me share articles about mental illness,  most of the time about depression and panic disorder. Many of you  probably think I am just being a drama queen. Fair enough, I can  be loud and tell you I am going to cut you (which FYI, is my  passive aggressiveness coming out, I am actually a pacifist. I  truly am trying to tone that one down a lot). But there are times  when I have what I call a bad brain day. Some people wish they  could read minds, I do not wish anyone the experience of being  inside of my head. 

What is a bad brain day? Well, for me a bad brain day is when I  start looking back on every single interaction I had in a day and  trying to figure out how it could have gone better or if it could  have gone differently. One of my biggest fears is upsetting  someone. I am not good at being disliked, trust me. There are  reasons why I keep most people at arms length. It is because once  I let them any closer, they may not like how dark and twisty (yes,  Meredith Grey is onto something there) it gets. Today is one of  those days where I had a bad brain day. Sometimes, there are  triggers, other times my anxiety just kicks in. Today, as I was  leaving work, my brain just kicked into high gear and brought  everything I had done today up. It sucks, but that is what life is  like for me. I've learned to live with it, regardless of how much  the overthinking sucks.

Now onto the panic disorder side of things. I feel like some people  do not get what my panic disorder does to me. First, anxiety is  absolutely exhausting. There truly are days where I just want to  stay in bed and never leave. My panic disorder makes me who I am  regardless of whether I like it or not. The way I look at it is  that things could always be worse, but I'm extremely thankful they  are not. Second, there are triggers. Sometimes my panic attacks are  triggered by too much caffeine, too little sleep, tight spaces  (i.e. why I have to sit on the end of a row), or even nothing  at 

 all. My biggest trigger is sudden, loud noises. That is the reason  why I do not like thunder, popping balloons, or fireworks. If I  know that it is about to happen, I can cover my ears in enough time  to not be as panicked, but that is not always a solid solution.

I have been told that I do not have to know everything, that I am  just ruining the surprise. Well, I have had too little control over  so much in my life  (see: http://julia23bolton.blogspot.com/2014/01/how-to-thank-someone-with-southern.html) that I feel the need to try and control  what I can. I cannot stand surprises, I have had way too many of  them in my life to actually enjoy them. Maybe someday I will have  someone in my life who will make surprises fun again, I honestly  have no clue.

Here is the thing, I have a God who is greater than any disorder I  could ever have. It is amazing seeing His hand on every aspect of  my life so far. Without the experiences I have been through, the  depression, the panic disorder, and the anxiety, I have no clue  who I would be today. I would not change what I have been through  for anything. No matter what, God always prevails, and that is why  I am able to hope even in the midst of my panic. To end this post,  I am going to share one of my favorite pieces of scripture, Psalm  66:10-12. 

"For You, God, tested us;

You refined us as silver is refined.

11 

You lured us into a trap;

You placed burdens on our backs.

12 

You let men ride over our heads;

we went through fire and water,

but You brought us out to abundance."

My scars

I apologize to the people who bullied me. I am still in the process of forgiving you. There has just been so much dislike built up in my heart for y'all for so long. I don't want to say it's hatred, because I have been able to work through that. But the effects of what y'all put me through have, up until now, seemed almost irreversible.

Not only do y'all deserve better, but so do I. I deserve to be happy  and each second I keep dwelling on the past, I let y'all win. That  can't keep happening. I have let my past define me for far too  long. I'm over having a panic attack every time I go home or go to  the freaking grocery store with my mom and inadvertently run into  someone I knew. I'm 25 for goodness sakes, I have to start living  MY life.

Now that I've said that, I can admit probably my biggest flaw, my  picking. Many of you have seen me, or seen pictures of me, and  you've seen the scars on my arms and legs. One of the cafeteria  workers yesterday stopped me and asked what I did to my arm. At  this point in my life, I'm used to that question. I've had to  answer it for years. I've only told few people the reason why I  pick so much. I'd always say it was because the bites itched,  which was somewhat true towards the beginning of each bite. But  the real reason is because when I would pick, it would almost be  like I could feel the stress leaving my body. Picking at my bites  was my way of self-harm. 

Some people might try to tell me that it isn't a way of self-harm,  but my scars would beg to differ. Honestly, I would try to pick  more at the scars on my legs, so that way at least during the  winter they would be less visible. Obviously now, that didn't  work. At this point in my life, picking at my bites has become  more of a habit than a form of release. I am at that point where I  want to quit picking at my arms and legs, but I am almost scared  to because that means that I don't have control anymore. It has  always been the one thing I thought I could control and now that I  am where I am in life, I need to relinquish that control.

I have the most amazing friends here at school and I want to quit  picking because  of them. Because they have shown me love and    compassion. Because they taught me how to trust all over again.      Because they have dealt with the crazy, insecurity that resulted  from my past. Because they have dealt with my panic disorder with  more grace than I ever have been able to. Because they were the  first to reach out to me and haven't let go since. I am so  extremely thankful for the people that God placed in my life here  at school. Without them, I probably would have headed down a dark  road.

To the people who are still in my life back home (who I actually  have relationships with), thank you. Thank you for inadvertently  staying with me even through the darkest times. 

To my mentor Drew, thank you for allowing me the opportunity to be  an athletic trainer in high school. I know that God placed sports  medicine in my life for a reason, and it is only being removed  from high school that I can see he placed it and you there as a  way to help me.

To the many friends I have made at NGU, thank you. I honestly am  speechless because I never knew friends could be so amazing. Y'all  show me new reasons to be thankful for you each and every day. I  can say without a doubt that y'all have changed my life for the  better and you're all the reason I want to stop picking.

Finally, to everyone who is reading this. My scars will be present  forever, but I refuse to look at them and think of what I went  through. I want to look at them as a survivor. I also want to look  at them and know how strong I truly am. I was strong enough to  survive, even when I didn't want to. Everyone has scars. They are  a part of life and you can either learn to look at them as a  burden or as a blessing. Mine are a result of the things I have  been through and I wouldn't change them for the world. I am in such  a great place in my life right now, and I know God has amazing  things in store for me, scars and all. I am happy.

Girls can't like sports...

    Now that I've got your attention. This is not even close to the belief that some people have on the title topic. So if you share this and blast me because I "don't believe that girls can like sports," I reserve the right to call you out for not reading my blog. :) Good luck.

    What this blog is about, though, is why I am so into sports. It obviously isn't something that all girls are into, I just happened to be born into it. I've always been into sports. Not necessarily into playing them, but always into watching them. I grew up playing T-ball and soccer ('98 North Carolina state champs holla) which was always so much fun. I remember the weekends we would travel for games and my mom would stay up braiding our hair, those weekends were some of my favorite memories.

    After I stopped playing soccer, my brother joined an 8U travel baseball team. He always has been the athlete in the family. So that was tons of fun. I made so many new baseball friends who I still keep in touch with today. Not just baseball friends though, their brothers, sisters, and parents. Going through the bullying I did, the weekends and practices were always my place to get away from what I was going through. 

     If y'all know me, you know how much I stand up for my brother. You go after him, you're going after me, and that is not happening. It isn't just my brother I stand up for either. It's my brothers friends, my baseball friends, there are a lot of people on the list. I was a doormat to the people who were awful to me, but I refused (still refuse) to let anyone touch or say anything about my people.

   Now to my teams. I may not choose teams by the conventional standards (colors, a certain player, because they're my hometown team, etc). I have 4 teams for 2 sports. The Yankees, the Braves, the Giants, and the Broncos. There are teams I can't stand. If you're close to me, you know who those are. If you aren't close to me, it doesn't matter who they are.

    I became a Braves fan at the spry young age of birth. My pawpaw was a Braves fan, and he was one of the most influential men in my life. Pawpaw drove me to school and picked me up from school. Pawpaw was the tooth extractor. Pawpaw was just an amazing man, and his love for the Braves was passed on to me. I have always been a Braves fan, and I will always be a Braves fan.

    I became a Yankees fan a little later in life, at the spry young age of 12. I had been surrounded by Yankees fans my entire life. My dad's side of the family is from up north and every time we went to see them, we would go catch the ferry across the river to a Yankees game. At the time, I fought the influence for a long time, but the Yankees are just too powerful for me to ignore. Oh, and if you want to call me a fair weather fan, let's not. Because I will spit of a ton of knowledge on you.

     Now to my Giants. The G-men. My grandpa is from New York, and has been a Giants fan for the longest time. I became interested in the Giants at the spry young age of 14, before they ever won a super bowl in my life. I've been called a bandwagon fan from the start. I have news for all you who call me that, hahah, if I was a bandwagon fan, I would have jumped right off after our last super bowl win. Trust me, when I have a team, I'm there even when they suck. And trust me, it's been a rough few seasons, but I'm still right here with them. Of course, they need to get rid of Jerry Reese real quick, fast, and in a hurry if they want to do anything next season.

    Now to my final team, the Denver Broncos. Now for them, I did somewhat fall into the conventional ways of being a fan. I liked them on and off growing up, but it became more permanent when the Colts sent Peyton Manning packing. Oh goodness, if I had to hear Jim Irsay say that he wanted "more of these," pointing to his super bowl ring one more time, I would have pulled out my hair. Yes, Peyton Manning is one of the reasons I became a Broncos fan, but they also had Tebow (who is amazing). I will also not be called a fair weather fan here either. I will defend myself.

    The Broncos and Giants are two teams, who have almost consistently been underdogs week after week. And if you think I'm saying that for the attention, you couldn't be more wrong. I watched almost every single game this season. I watched, heartbroken when the Giants fell 3 points short of beating the panthers. I watched as Peyton was benched in favor of Brock Osweiler. I watched both of my teams through struggling and, at times, tumultuous seasons. The Broncos are the biggest underdogs in the Super Bowl and I am okay with that.

    There were about 14 days when I didn't watch football though. Those were two rough weeks because it was right after the Giants and Panthers game. I was repeatedly being attacked for my association with the Giants. Apparently you can't like a team and not be okay with one of their players actions. Like I said the day of, I don't agree with what OBJ did. But like I wasn't allowed to say the day of, he wasn't the only one at fault. Some of y'all are going to message me about saying that, and just as a forewarning, I'll ignore your messages.

    If you don't like this blog, feel free to not like it. I've grown tired of trying to be a people pleaser, because it's impossible. Don't message me just because I hurt your fandom's feelings. It's happened before, it'll happen again. As I was reminded 13 days ago when I found out my Broncos would be facing the panthers, I AM entitled to my own opinion. You don't have to like it.

    With the Super Bowl happening in less than 24 hours, I want to say this. I won't talk trash about the panthers. I won't talk trash about their fans. I believe in letting the game do the talking, and I would hope to receive the same respect. If not, it may influence my opinion on you. I wish I could say sorry if it did, but there's a classy way to do things.

   Sports are my release. You may not get it, but you haven't been through what I have been through. Tomorrow night, I will be sitting at home in my Peyton Manning Jersey, my tutu, and with my dog. I will be cheering for my Broncos. I love my guys, and I will be pulling for them as if I was in the stands. Come on boys, let's bring it home!! Let's go Broncos!