So y'all have seen me share a lot of stuff lately, ranging from cute dogs who died, to sports, to this lovely thing called PCOS. My blog tonight is about PCOS, or the actual name for it: Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I'm also going to tell y'all about my endometriosis and my depression and panic disorder.
PCOS. Four little letters that have changed my life immensely. PCOS is a hormonal endocrine disorder. 3 of the most visible symptoms for this disorder are the 3 B's: balding, bearding, and bulging. I wasn't diagnosed with this until my senior year of high school, so I had no clue why I had facial hair. All I knew was that it was so embarrassing to basically be growing a beard in high school. Balding, well, I was blessed in that aspect. I was blessed with thick hair, so while I lose a lot of hair, my hair is still so thick. But the biggest symptom of PCOS is bulging, or if I 'm going to be completely honest about it, fatness. I have battled with my weight most of my life, so it is nothing new to me. But each around the side remark I get makes dealing with it a little bit harder.
Y'all have all seen my blog about the bullying I went through. At the time I was going through that, I had no clue that I actually had a diagnosable medical disorder. In fact, no doctor until I went to the OBGYN ever thought to consider PCOS or even a health condition. With PCOS, if I'm not gaining weight, then I'm staying the same. You might be one of those people who is thinking, work out and/or eat better, well trust me, if that is all it took for me to lose weight, I more than likely would be about a third of what I currently weight. Yeah, I'm that fat. Some of the other symptoms that I have experienced/will experience are things like irregular menstrual cycles, ovarian cysts, diabetes, heart disease, and infertility. (I'll be talking more about the infertility once I talk about my endo.)
Endometriosis. What is it? Well, basically it is when endometrial tissue is found outside the uterus -- usually in the abdomen on the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and ligaments that support the uterus. So whenever it's shark week, watch out. Endo is an extremely painful thing to have. Also, for anyone who ever wonders/has wondered why I'm so open about shark week, this is why. When I say not to make me mad because it is or almost is shark week, please heed my warning, because I am hurting extremely badly and am trying to avoid having to handle someone.
Some of the other symptoms of endometriosis are somewhat similar to the PCOS symptoms, but they add in some things like fatigue, pain before and during shark week, and once again, infertility. That I word constantly sits in the back of my mind. I love family, and that is one thing that I have always wanted. To have a family. Knowing that I may not be able to give my future husband children of his own makes me feel awful. It's something that I can't control, and peace with that is something I pray for every day.
Now on to my depression and panic disorder. Going through the bullying I did, I naturally developed panic disorder. I have a legitimate fear of people a decent amount of the time. One of my favorite quotes goes something along the lines of, "She's cold, yes...but only because she once cared about someone who didn't care about her." Most of the people I trusted growing up were people who treated me like trash. And yet, I am still such a trusting person. I believe that there is good in everyone. It is so hard to have people sit there and say things like, "just trust in the Lord. He's got this." People also act like I don't know that. When I get told that, it makes me feel even worse because it makes me doubt. Doubt is debilitating. When people tell me that, it depresses me. It makes me think, "Do I really trust God with everything in my life?" I do NOT need to be questioning that. My fears literally pop up at me. I can be sitting in class and my mind wanders and I start thinking, "Hmmm, what if I..." Almost my entire life is inundated with what ifs.
I vow not to let any of these things define me. I am a survivor of the things I went through growing up. I smile through the depression. I don't let people know what is going on inside even though I am in almost a constant state of fear. I refuse to let my panic disorder run my life. I still wake up, still go to class, still hang out with friends, even though all I want to do is curl up in a ball and stay in bed. Yeah, I hate that maybe I won't be able to have kids, but I'm trying not to let that get in the way of me finding a future husband. All of these disorders are things that I could let run my life. But I absolutely refuse.
I WILL smile my way through each day.
Friday, September 18, 2015
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Things I learned at 23.
Well, it's been almost a year since my blog about the bullying I have endured. Amazingly enough, I have learned so much about myself since then. So many things that border from small, to things that completely changed my life. This blog will be about the changes and lessons I have learned.
Firstly, I learned that I can be happy. Boy was it amazing when I saw how amazing life could be when I forgot and forgave those who were evil to me. I have the most amazing friends that I know I can actually count on. Friends who inspire me on a daily basis. Friends who, even when I am down and depressed, include me and don't expect me to act happy. They get me, they get what I have been through, and they accept me for who I am.
Second, I have a teacher and fellow youth ministry majors who are just fantastic, and they're all great friends too. When I went in for my internship final, my teacher told me something along the lines of, "Julia it's pretty difficult having 9 brothers." Not going to lie y'all, at first I was completely confused, then I realized he was talking about my classmates. I call them my guys because they're basically brothers to me, and they can be quite hilarious. There's nothing quite like going to a class for your major and feeling like you belong.
Third, I learned that sometimes, family issues arise. Honestly, that's all I can put on that issue. Family isn't always perfect, and I have had plenty of time to learn that over the last year. As selfish as this may sound, I was sincerely hoping to spend my birthday weekend at home with both of my parents, but that isn't going to be happening. As they say, for every action, there is a reaction. And the reaction for this paragraph may be swift, but I'm not going to cover things up. I'm all about honesty.
Fourth, I learned that despite how I see myself, there actually can be guys out there that are interested in me. Although, lesson number 4.5 that I learned is to never let myself think that just because a guy is nice to me that he likes me. I let myself in for a bit of heartbreak and a lot of awkwardness for that one. Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely not in love with said guy, but I did like him. And I had others telling me that they thought he liked me. So lets just go back to lesson number one, thank God for my amazing friends. They helped keep that smile on my face, and helped keep me the Jubilee people call me.
Fifth, I learned that even though I may be alone for the time being, I can still truly be happy for my friends relationships. In a social media focused world, all I am surrounded with is news of pregnancies, engagements, weddings, and babies. Gah y'all. It gets so overwhelming sometimes (most times). Don't get me wrong, weddings and babies are happy occasions, but there are people who are my age who have been married, divorced, and are already engaged again. Or people who get engaged one day, have an argument, their status says single, then the next day they're engaged again. I'm not calling out anyone specific for this. It's just something I'm seeing A LOT. Now to the happy part of this lesson. Because of my amazing friends here at school, I am in the most amazing state of mind, which means I'm happier. Which means that when I have friends getting into relationships, engaged, and married *cough*Mitch&Emily*cough*, it brings me happiness. It just makes me so happy to see those who I love be so happy. They deserve all the happiness in the world.
Sixth, I was reminded how strong my grandma is. She was diagnosed with breast cancer back in September and underwent a lumpectomy in October. She is an amazing woman who takes care of so many people, even while undergoing radiation treatments (which she is so close to being done with).
Seventh, I learned that there is something that I would like to do along with youth ministry. That is, wedding designing. Weddings are such happy occasions and I want to help design, plan, coordinate them. That's why I've got so many wedding boards on Pinterest (not just for myself, but for my friends too).
Eighth, and possibly the last, is that FUGE friends are friends for life. I never thought I would get the email to work FUGE, and even less expected it to be in the location that I absolutely never wanted to go to again. I am so beyond glad that God blessed me with the opportunity, even as a short summer staffer. I got to Kentucky on May 29th, and my goodness, I felt like I left on May 30th. The summer flew by so much quicker than I ever expected. I am so horrible at goodbyes, so needless to say, I shed a lot of tears when it was finally time to come home. I am so lucky to say that I had the most amazing support system at camp, and that our friendships didn't stop after camp. We are all friends for life.
23 was a fantastic year full of memories, lessons, and just so much amazingness. I turn 24 in a week and I am so excited to see what it has to offer.
Firstly, I learned that I can be happy. Boy was it amazing when I saw how amazing life could be when I forgot and forgave those who were evil to me. I have the most amazing friends that I know I can actually count on. Friends who inspire me on a daily basis. Friends who, even when I am down and depressed, include me and don't expect me to act happy. They get me, they get what I have been through, and they accept me for who I am.
Second, I have a teacher and fellow youth ministry majors who are just fantastic, and they're all great friends too. When I went in for my internship final, my teacher told me something along the lines of, "Julia it's pretty difficult having 9 brothers." Not going to lie y'all, at first I was completely confused, then I realized he was talking about my classmates. I call them my guys because they're basically brothers to me, and they can be quite hilarious. There's nothing quite like going to a class for your major and feeling like you belong.
Third, I learned that sometimes, family issues arise. Honestly, that's all I can put on that issue. Family isn't always perfect, and I have had plenty of time to learn that over the last year. As selfish as this may sound, I was sincerely hoping to spend my birthday weekend at home with both of my parents, but that isn't going to be happening. As they say, for every action, there is a reaction. And the reaction for this paragraph may be swift, but I'm not going to cover things up. I'm all about honesty.
Fourth, I learned that despite how I see myself, there actually can be guys out there that are interested in me. Although, lesson number 4.5 that I learned is to never let myself think that just because a guy is nice to me that he likes me. I let myself in for a bit of heartbreak and a lot of awkwardness for that one. Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely not in love with said guy, but I did like him. And I had others telling me that they thought he liked me. So lets just go back to lesson number one, thank God for my amazing friends. They helped keep that smile on my face, and helped keep me the Jubilee people call me.
Fifth, I learned that even though I may be alone for the time being, I can still truly be happy for my friends relationships. In a social media focused world, all I am surrounded with is news of pregnancies, engagements, weddings, and babies. Gah y'all. It gets so overwhelming sometimes (most times). Don't get me wrong, weddings and babies are happy occasions, but there are people who are my age who have been married, divorced, and are already engaged again. Or people who get engaged one day, have an argument, their status says single, then the next day they're engaged again. I'm not calling out anyone specific for this. It's just something I'm seeing A LOT. Now to the happy part of this lesson. Because of my amazing friends here at school, I am in the most amazing state of mind, which means I'm happier. Which means that when I have friends getting into relationships, engaged, and married *cough*Mitch&Emily*cough*, it brings me happiness. It just makes me so happy to see those who I love be so happy. They deserve all the happiness in the world.
Sixth, I was reminded how strong my grandma is. She was diagnosed with breast cancer back in September and underwent a lumpectomy in October. She is an amazing woman who takes care of so many people, even while undergoing radiation treatments (which she is so close to being done with).
Seventh, I learned that there is something that I would like to do along with youth ministry. That is, wedding designing. Weddings are such happy occasions and I want to help design, plan, coordinate them. That's why I've got so many wedding boards on Pinterest (not just for myself, but for my friends too).
Eighth, and possibly the last, is that FUGE friends are friends for life. I never thought I would get the email to work FUGE, and even less expected it to be in the location that I absolutely never wanted to go to again. I am so beyond glad that God blessed me with the opportunity, even as a short summer staffer. I got to Kentucky on May 29th, and my goodness, I felt like I left on May 30th. The summer flew by so much quicker than I ever expected. I am so horrible at goodbyes, so needless to say, I shed a lot of tears when it was finally time to come home. I am so lucky to say that I had the most amazing support system at camp, and that our friendships didn't stop after camp. We are all friends for life.
23 was a fantastic year full of memories, lessons, and just so much amazingness. I turn 24 in a week and I am so excited to see what it has to offer.
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