Just a forewarning, this blog is like a decent amount of my other ones. About my insecurities, my flaws, and my fears. So if you are tired of reading those, now is the time to stop reading. Just saying.
If you are still reading this, thanks. It means a lot. :) Now, I am not fishing for compliments with this blog, I am simply trying to explain how I feel. So here goes.
I have been having this problem the last week or so, a problem with my confidence. At times I am on top of the world, but at others I am low down in the dumps. I have switched my profile picture on all of my social media sites at least 7 times over the last about 2 days.
I do not like how I look, I repeat; I DO NOT LIKE HOW I LOOK. I am huge, do not try to tell me I am not. That is honestly the one thing I do not like about myself. I mean, the rest of me, I love. My eyes, my smile, my hair? All amazing. Those are things that I once hated about myself. I just wish that I knew how I came to love those things about me, because if I could get over hating my body, I could get over anything.
Most of my feelings about my looks come from my past. Once you experience something for so long, it becomes natural. Like that time sophomore year when a close friend saw me with make-up on and told me that I looked like they put make-up on a pig. I have hated the stuff ever since. I am just so glad I do not need it. (Like I said though, that is just one example. If you do not know what I am talking about, read the blog about how to thank people with southern hospitality.)
If I could just learn to love myself, I could let people in so much easier. I feel so bad when I meet new people and I am so closed off from them. They desrve a person who is not so hard to get to know, because trust me, it takes so much time with me. These walls I have built are so thick, I am just constantly praying they will come down eventually. If you are new in my life, DO NOT give up trying to get to know me, the more I learn to trust you, the more my walls start coming down. (Trust me.) I mean, how can I expect anyone to truly love me, if I cannot show them the real me?
Anyways, I think I am done ranting for tonight. The point I am trying make is that if I am annoying you with all of the changing of my profile pictures, it may be time for you to unfriend me. I sincerely apologize if it is annoying. Bear with me. I am trying.
Friday, September 12, 2014
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Cheers to this year
Today isn't a good day in my brain. I'm not 100% sure why. So I decided to blog and sort of give y'all an inside view of what my mind looks like on days like today. I guess I should start by answering y'alls first question: why isn't it a good day in your brain today? Well, if I could answer that I would probably attempt to fix it on my own, because I don't like depending on others to help me. It's funny because people don't normally see this side of me; the sad, depressed, unhappy Julia. I really don't like letting this side come through.
All of this anxiety and depression, the way my brain sometimes runs now, is because of everything I've been through. Y'all know what all that is, the blog about it got a whole lot of views and I know most of you read it. Sometimes, my mind just decides to go back to that. It's like a flashback to high school, and that honestly sucks, I don't choose to relive these things. Yeah okay, "mind over matter," right? Well it is my mind that is doing this to me. Why would I ever flip back to being depressed or anxious when I've been doing so good? I don't know. It isn't my decision. If I had the choice, I would be happy go lucky smiling so big that my face hurts. I have the most amazing friends (which I talk about all the time to y'all), the most amazing people I worked with at camp this summer (who I also talk about all the time), and the most amazing major/people in my major (who I've told most of y'all about), so why should I have to be in this mindset right now?
Depression isn't anyting to play with. I mean, I've lived with it for so long, I know that's what I'm feeling tonight. For me personally though, I'm hitting a wall right now. Yeah, I forgave all the people who tormented me, but depressed Julia doesn't give a crap about that. Depressed Julia wants to be mad and angry at all those people. So why is it so easy to go from happy to depressed? Because of my insecurities. I am probably the most insecure person some of y'all will ever meet in your lives. I've been beat down for so long that I can't get back up. Happy Julia promises to conquer this. I know that I've got God on my side.
Funny story, on July 12 I was sitting outside the chapel in Kentucky with Jules and Zach reminiscing on the summer and just spending a little bit longer as JJZ (double JZ). Legitimately one of the best nights of the summer (there were a lot of those). As we were sitting there they were remembering what the first few days were like when all of the staff arrived. Zach talked about how I was the first few days. He said that everyone could tell that I was ready to make a run for it. I would always sit by the door and not talk to anyone. I wasn't actually ready to run (I don't run). I sat there because it was cooler and if I needed to get out to the bathroom or anything, I didn't want to get in anybodys way by having to walk around or over them.
Now to my biggest issue: panic/anxiety disorder. There is absolutely nothing fun about having panic attacks, about being scared to meet new people, about trying new things. The one that I struggle with the most is definitely meeting new people. I am absolutely awful at it. Anytime I meet someone new I get scared that I'm going to upset them, or that I'm not good enough. Of course, I do that with everything because I never feel like I'm good enough (not to sound cocky, but I'm flipping awesome). To those of y'all who made me feel like I'm worth nothing, you've ruined me. Yeah, with the blog about forgiving you I made it seem like I'm perfectly fine, but I'm not. Y'all left permanent emotional (and physical) scars that I pray to someday recover from.
I don't choose anxiety. It isn't something I'd wish upon my worst enemy because nobody deserves to feel like I am right this second. Crying it out normally helps, but I don't even have the tears for it tonight. Anyways, back to meeting new people and being awful at it. People wonder why I'm so socially awkward, my past is why. I refuse to give anyone 100% of me until I feel I can trust them. And to the people who I've not quite started to trust yet, please be patient with me. They say that trust is a hard thing to earn and that's doubly true with me. The people I trusted way back when shattered it with a snap of their fingers. So I'm sorry, I'm trying. Even if you're one of my friends and it seems like I'm a little off or not into it, be patient. I am trying, it takes me a while and I am so extremely sorry for that. I let my bullies have so much power over me and I'm still trying to get out from under the weight of that pain. Yes, I am on medicine for my anxiety, it has helped me tremendously. You think it's bad now? Imagine what it was like when I was in high school. It was awful.
I don't know what I did to get blessed with the people in my life. I must be the luckiest girl in the world because the people that I'm surrounded by are the best people. I thank God every day for them and I know that He is working through them to help me through this. God has huge things in store for me and I am so extremely excited to see what He has planned. I'm gonna leave y'all with my favorite verse, which is extremely cliche because it's most people, but it was with me when I started dealing with my issues. It's Jeremiah 29:11, and when I first read it, I just couldn't see the beauty in that verse. But God pulled me through my situation and I now know that verse helped me survive, it still does.
Thanks for reading this y'all. I'm feeling so much better now that I've blogged this out.
One of my favorite inspirational songs. <-------- Listen to this.
All of this anxiety and depression, the way my brain sometimes runs now, is because of everything I've been through. Y'all know what all that is, the blog about it got a whole lot of views and I know most of you read it. Sometimes, my mind just decides to go back to that. It's like a flashback to high school, and that honestly sucks, I don't choose to relive these things. Yeah okay, "mind over matter," right? Well it is my mind that is doing this to me. Why would I ever flip back to being depressed or anxious when I've been doing so good? I don't know. It isn't my decision. If I had the choice, I would be happy go lucky smiling so big that my face hurts. I have the most amazing friends (which I talk about all the time to y'all), the most amazing people I worked with at camp this summer (who I also talk about all the time), and the most amazing major/people in my major (who I've told most of y'all about), so why should I have to be in this mindset right now?
Depression isn't anyting to play with. I mean, I've lived with it for so long, I know that's what I'm feeling tonight. For me personally though, I'm hitting a wall right now. Yeah, I forgave all the people who tormented me, but depressed Julia doesn't give a crap about that. Depressed Julia wants to be mad and angry at all those people. So why is it so easy to go from happy to depressed? Because of my insecurities. I am probably the most insecure person some of y'all will ever meet in your lives. I've been beat down for so long that I can't get back up. Happy Julia promises to conquer this. I know that I've got God on my side.
Funny story, on July 12 I was sitting outside the chapel in Kentucky with Jules and Zach reminiscing on the summer and just spending a little bit longer as JJZ (double JZ). Legitimately one of the best nights of the summer (there were a lot of those). As we were sitting there they were remembering what the first few days were like when all of the staff arrived. Zach talked about how I was the first few days. He said that everyone could tell that I was ready to make a run for it. I would always sit by the door and not talk to anyone. I wasn't actually ready to run (I don't run). I sat there because it was cooler and if I needed to get out to the bathroom or anything, I didn't want to get in anybodys way by having to walk around or over them.
Now to my biggest issue: panic/anxiety disorder. There is absolutely nothing fun about having panic attacks, about being scared to meet new people, about trying new things. The one that I struggle with the most is definitely meeting new people. I am absolutely awful at it. Anytime I meet someone new I get scared that I'm going to upset them, or that I'm not good enough. Of course, I do that with everything because I never feel like I'm good enough (not to sound cocky, but I'm flipping awesome). To those of y'all who made me feel like I'm worth nothing, you've ruined me. Yeah, with the blog about forgiving you I made it seem like I'm perfectly fine, but I'm not. Y'all left permanent emotional (and physical) scars that I pray to someday recover from.
I don't choose anxiety. It isn't something I'd wish upon my worst enemy because nobody deserves to feel like I am right this second. Crying it out normally helps, but I don't even have the tears for it tonight. Anyways, back to meeting new people and being awful at it. People wonder why I'm so socially awkward, my past is why. I refuse to give anyone 100% of me until I feel I can trust them. And to the people who I've not quite started to trust yet, please be patient with me. They say that trust is a hard thing to earn and that's doubly true with me. The people I trusted way back when shattered it with a snap of their fingers. So I'm sorry, I'm trying. Even if you're one of my friends and it seems like I'm a little off or not into it, be patient. I am trying, it takes me a while and I am so extremely sorry for that. I let my bullies have so much power over me and I'm still trying to get out from under the weight of that pain. Yes, I am on medicine for my anxiety, it has helped me tremendously. You think it's bad now? Imagine what it was like when I was in high school. It was awful.
I don't know what I did to get blessed with the people in my life. I must be the luckiest girl in the world because the people that I'm surrounded by are the best people. I thank God every day for them and I know that He is working through them to help me through this. God has huge things in store for me and I am so extremely excited to see what He has planned. I'm gonna leave y'all with my favorite verse, which is extremely cliche because it's most people, but it was with me when I started dealing with my issues. It's Jeremiah 29:11, and when I first read it, I just couldn't see the beauty in that verse. But God pulled me through my situation and I now know that verse helped me survive, it still does.
Thanks for reading this y'all. I'm feeling so much better now that I've blogged this out.
One of my favorite inspirational songs. <-------- Listen to this.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
I'm not quite sure how to title this.
Y'all are completely and totally amazing. The blog I posted about my bullying has been viewed over 1500 times! I just want to say that I didn't type that for revenge, I typed that as a means to a healing process and to hopefully help someone who is going through a similar situation. No one deserves to be bullied. I am so grateful to have the support of so many amazing people.
Now for the topic of this blog: beauty. There are times when I feel beautiful, it's more often that I don't. Beauty these days equals stick thin, caked on make up, and someone who is just overall attractive. I am not beautiful if you judge by society's standard. Because of society I am rather insecure, I laugh to hide the pain, I cry alone, I look at myself in the mirror and wonder what is wrong with me.
I am happiest when I am with my friends. When I'm with them, it's almost like my weight or looks don't matter. They do though, sometimes I look around at the beautiful people that God placed in my life here, and my insecurities shine right through. Only to myself though, I never want to burden anyone with my feelings. I wish there were more words to explain what I am trying to say. One of the things I do know for sure is that my friends make me beautiful. They are amazing people of God and they radiate kindness and love.
It is so hard being a girl. I never thought I'd be the type of girl to say that, but I am. The two best features about me are my smile and my eyes, and those are pretty much the only two things I love about myself. My hair? Yeah, on a good day. The best thing about being me is that I try my best not to care what people think about me. I don't like getting all dressy (unless I am going on a date which hasn't happened in an entire 23 years). I LOVE sports and don't care what people think about my reactions to them. Shoot, before this year, I hardly ever did my hair for school. I laugh way too much and rather obnoxiously (it makes life fun); I also smile almost all the time, you will hardly ever see me without a smile. More people need to learn that beauty is what is on the inside. That goes for both genders because there are some amazing guys out there that ladies are friend-zoning.
By God's standard, I am beautiful and it shouldn't matter what anyone else says. He made me just the way I am. I know that He will bring the right man into my life and he will think I am beautiful. Until then I get to see all the happy couples getting engaged. Within a 20 minute span tonight I saw (on Facebook) 3 couples who got engaged, and those are just the ones who put it on there. The most difficult thing for me to do is to let go and work by God's timetable.
I feel that with Valentines Day being tomorrow, it has brought this to the forefront of my mind. This is one thing that I will probably recount on most of my posts. Being a single 23 year-old, it isn't easy to be at school where pretty much everyone is in a relationship. One of these days I will have my first valentine, but not knowing when? That's a bit of torture for me. One thing I have trouble with is not having control over certain situations. I picked that up from my bullying days, I tend to keep people at arms length, to protect myself and my heart. I'm already a broken person and I fear that if I were to let someone in and they broke my heart, it would just shatter me (more than I already am.)
So happy Singles Awareness Day (or Valentines Day for those who have dates) y'all. And go tell someone they're beautiful today. :)
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
I should probably be studying.
Hahah. I truly should. I have my first PTRW test tomorrow (Principles of Theological Research and Writing). I've just had this nagging feeling to blog for a few days now, and some of you won't exactly like my subject of choice. As a single, twenty three year old woman, I felt maybe I should brush the subject of relationships. As a little background to my story I should firstly say that I have been single my entire life. Some people would view that as something to be ashamed of, not me! It's certainly helping me keep my purity pledge in tact.
Back in 2011-2012 I was Catfished. Yes, like the show Catfish. Before that I was dealing with an overwhelming insecurity about my ability to talk to people. That stemmed from what I talked about in my last blog (bullying). Due to my inability to talk to guys in person, I took to the internet in search of "the one."
Of course, before I can broach any of that, I have to go way back to my first sense of betrayal when I was 14 or 15. My "best" friend at the time made up this guy who she knew. It's crazy, I was 14, looking for acceptance in the world, and this person who I had never met came along like my knight in shining armor. It was, to me, the best thing that had ever happened. At that time I had a man who was, to my knowledge, real. The biggest problem was his age, I don't even remember how old she said he was. So I was 14 and falling for some complete stranger who I would email and AIM at the most random times, I just didn't put it together that it was mostly when she was at my house and up on the main computer while I was on the laptop. The day I found out I had been betrayed, oh my, I had gotten in so much trouble. I still couldn't believe that she did that to me. It took me so long to realize that she had spent the better part of almost two years lying to me. The fact that she'll probably message me for putting this on here, don't try to deny it friend, your parents told my parents everything (I forgive you).
Then there was the betrayal of some close friends who made up this foreign exchange student when I was a junior. Luckily, I wasn't nearly as gullible then. I had been put through so much by that point that I learned not to trust what they said. Then the same group of people contacted me from another random number and acted like a guy who graduated a year before me who, at that time, I actually believed was into me. Turned out he was in a completely committed relationship, and still is, with the same girl. I believe the fatal blow to my self esteem was when I was told by a person I liked that he wouldn't like me even if hell freezes over.
I do realize that some of this is overlapping from my last blog, that's probably something important.
In May of 2011 I took to online "dating" to try and find a relationship. I joined multiple dating sites, including one for big people because I believed I could only be loved by someone who is my size. That is when I met Ryan (not on the big people site), if that is indeed his name. We talked for five months, emailing back and forth, before he asked me to be his girlfriend. Every time he emailed, he called me beautiful. He would say he was having 'that problem,' the problem being that I wasn't in his arms. September 13, 2011 was when he asked me to be his girlfriend, and the next day was the first picture I ever saw of him. My word, he was gorgeous; and he was all mine. I felt so extremely special to have a boyfriend like him. The only downside was the he was from California. So here I was, small town girl from North Carolina in a relationship with a guy 3,000 miles away from me.
I fell for him so fast. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. He was my age, he played baseball, and he wanted me the way I was. Mind you, I am not a skinny girl. He truly made me feel beautiful. He would send me random pictures of things out West. He told me the most intimate details of his life, how his sister was moving in with him, a lot of things he would hate me putting in this blog right now. I quickly became friends with his sister and we were texting almost every day. Then, October 8 of 2011 he proposed. Oh how foolish was I? I had never heard the term Catfish at this point in my life, I was only 20. In March of 2012 he suddenly stopped talking to me, I have no clue why, his sister had no clue why. That March I buried one of the most important people in my life and Ryan wasn't in my life to comfort me. Finally in April he contacted me again, albeit only for a few short weeks, but he was in my life again. As a girl who had never experienced much outside of bullying, I was ecstatic. I, being me, was becoming more insecure because the communication started growing thinner until May 15, 2012; the last time I heard from him. The day of my brothers surgery, the day everything got turned upside down. There are times I go back and read the last email he sent me, I was making him feel like crap (except the explicit word for it) and he had no clue what to say to me anymore. Was it my fault? Did I scare off an amazing guy? The last text from him was telling me to go take a nap because I had been awake for, going on, 36 hours. Did he just not have the balls to actually tell me we were through? Questions I have to stop asking myself because he wasn't real.
As a 23 year old I look back on that time of my life and I wonder why I didn't know better. He wouldn't talk to me, he wouldn't Skype with me. People have commented on how stupid Manti Te'o is for having the same situation happen to him, but honestly, you have NO clue how it feels until it happens to you. I kept every single one of the emails I exchanged with him because to me, it was a time when I was loved.
Also as a 23 year old I can't imagine why I ever turned to online things. I have had God the entire time. Yes, people are constantly preaching to me about how I should take life slow and not be in a rush to get in a relationship. God has His will for my life, I know that; but at my age everyone is getting engaged, married, pregnant, or popping out a baby. It's so hard to keep focused on what God wants for me when all I can focus on is all the news on Facebook. I know so many people who are having babies and getting married this year (and I am happy for y'all), but it calls me to question if I ever will meet "the one," because right now that seems to be eluding me.
If there is anything to learn from this one, it's to let the Lord do His thing because in the end, He knows what is best for us.
Back in 2011-2012 I was Catfished. Yes, like the show Catfish. Before that I was dealing with an overwhelming insecurity about my ability to talk to people. That stemmed from what I talked about in my last blog (bullying). Due to my inability to talk to guys in person, I took to the internet in search of "the one."
Of course, before I can broach any of that, I have to go way back to my first sense of betrayal when I was 14 or 15. My "best" friend at the time made up this guy who she knew. It's crazy, I was 14, looking for acceptance in the world, and this person who I had never met came along like my knight in shining armor. It was, to me, the best thing that had ever happened. At that time I had a man who was, to my knowledge, real. The biggest problem was his age, I don't even remember how old she said he was. So I was 14 and falling for some complete stranger who I would email and AIM at the most random times, I just didn't put it together that it was mostly when she was at my house and up on the main computer while I was on the laptop. The day I found out I had been betrayed, oh my, I had gotten in so much trouble. I still couldn't believe that she did that to me. It took me so long to realize that she had spent the better part of almost two years lying to me. The fact that she'll probably message me for putting this on here, don't try to deny it friend, your parents told my parents everything (I forgive you).
Then there was the betrayal of some close friends who made up this foreign exchange student when I was a junior. Luckily, I wasn't nearly as gullible then. I had been put through so much by that point that I learned not to trust what they said. Then the same group of people contacted me from another random number and acted like a guy who graduated a year before me who, at that time, I actually believed was into me. Turned out he was in a completely committed relationship, and still is, with the same girl. I believe the fatal blow to my self esteem was when I was told by a person I liked that he wouldn't like me even if hell freezes over.
I do realize that some of this is overlapping from my last blog, that's probably something important.
In May of 2011 I took to online "dating" to try and find a relationship. I joined multiple dating sites, including one for big people because I believed I could only be loved by someone who is my size. That is when I met Ryan (not on the big people site), if that is indeed his name. We talked for five months, emailing back and forth, before he asked me to be his girlfriend. Every time he emailed, he called me beautiful. He would say he was having 'that problem,' the problem being that I wasn't in his arms. September 13, 2011 was when he asked me to be his girlfriend, and the next day was the first picture I ever saw of him. My word, he was gorgeous; and he was all mine. I felt so extremely special to have a boyfriend like him. The only downside was the he was from California. So here I was, small town girl from North Carolina in a relationship with a guy 3,000 miles away from me.
I fell for him so fast. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. He was my age, he played baseball, and he wanted me the way I was. Mind you, I am not a skinny girl. He truly made me feel beautiful. He would send me random pictures of things out West. He told me the most intimate details of his life, how his sister was moving in with him, a lot of things he would hate me putting in this blog right now. I quickly became friends with his sister and we were texting almost every day. Then, October 8 of 2011 he proposed. Oh how foolish was I? I had never heard the term Catfish at this point in my life, I was only 20. In March of 2012 he suddenly stopped talking to me, I have no clue why, his sister had no clue why. That March I buried one of the most important people in my life and Ryan wasn't in my life to comfort me. Finally in April he contacted me again, albeit only for a few short weeks, but he was in my life again. As a girl who had never experienced much outside of bullying, I was ecstatic. I, being me, was becoming more insecure because the communication started growing thinner until May 15, 2012; the last time I heard from him. The day of my brothers surgery, the day everything got turned upside down. There are times I go back and read the last email he sent me, I was making him feel like crap (except the explicit word for it) and he had no clue what to say to me anymore. Was it my fault? Did I scare off an amazing guy? The last text from him was telling me to go take a nap because I had been awake for, going on, 36 hours. Did he just not have the balls to actually tell me we were through? Questions I have to stop asking myself because he wasn't real.
As a 23 year old I look back on that time of my life and I wonder why I didn't know better. He wouldn't talk to me, he wouldn't Skype with me. People have commented on how stupid Manti Te'o is for having the same situation happen to him, but honestly, you have NO clue how it feels until it happens to you. I kept every single one of the emails I exchanged with him because to me, it was a time when I was loved.
Also as a 23 year old I can't imagine why I ever turned to online things. I have had God the entire time. Yes, people are constantly preaching to me about how I should take life slow and not be in a rush to get in a relationship. God has His will for my life, I know that; but at my age everyone is getting engaged, married, pregnant, or popping out a baby. It's so hard to keep focused on what God wants for me when all I can focus on is all the news on Facebook. I know so many people who are having babies and getting married this year (and I am happy for y'all), but it calls me to question if I ever will meet "the one," because right now that seems to be eluding me.
If there is anything to learn from this one, it's to let the Lord do His thing because in the end, He knows what is best for us.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
How to thank someone with southern hospitality. :)
How do you thank someone who tortured you? Who put you through hell? It's simple, just say thank you. This blog is for all of my bullies and tormentors. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't gone through what I did growing up. I don't think I could imagine who I would be, I could have ended up like one of you. Now you could be reading this far and thinking "Hey, see? We weren't that bad to her." You can't just take credit for the good that I have become. You have to take responsibility for the sleepless nights, the physical and emotional scars, you have to take responsibility for the nights I would lie awake and think about how the world would be better without me. You have to take responsibility for the girl who you took in as a "friend" and left broken and damaged.
These days, I try to be as normal as I possibly can. I have amazing friends here at school who are showing me what true friendship means. I apologize any time I accidentally bump into someone or get in their way because I am so jumpy. I am so used to having to change for people, so used to not being good enough. When it comes time to head to the caf, I leave earlier than all my friends because I don't want to inconvenience them with how slow I am. I am so scared to let people in to see the real me because the real me wasn't good enough for you when I was your "friend." I have a real nickname now. I felt so stupid when I thought for TWO years that "JIF" was a super cool nickname. How in the world could I not have known that it stood for Julia Is Fat?? And how in the world could I have let that senior call me "big bacon?" Heck, one person still calls me that and it sends me back into the past. Sometimes I just wonder why I wasn't smarter. I hung around and tried to fit in when that wasn't what I needed.
The rumors that I was told about were so awful. Someone said that I was behind the old field house having sex with someone?? Absolutely not!!! Was it because of my size? Was it because I wasn't pretty? Was it just because I was an easy target? I had to grow up a lot faster than all of you (my bullies), was that why? I'll never forget when I became an athletic trainer. It was the best thing that happened to me. It was the best three years of my life, but the afternoon when two of the athletes took my phone battery and told me to get down on my knees or they were giving me a swirly? I had never been faced with something like that before. This one is always a classic, what about in the second grade? When you punched me in the stomach every day, why in the world did I deserve that? I was eight, what did I do to you?
My friends here are the first people to deal with what happened to me. And when I say deal with, I mean they are dealing with the broken me. Not the Julia I was when you got me. You ruined me for so many people. When you had me you broke me beyond repair. Or at least at the time, I thought you had. There was that time when we were having a sleepover and we did "ugly" makeovers, but I was the only one who was forced to do it. Didn't you realize that I was already in pieces by then? There's also that time when you peed in a cup of sundrop and brought it to me. My God what did else did I let you do to me that I have no clue about? I trusted you. I was a naive girl at that point, I probably shouldn't have been. There's the time that you told the person I liked that I liked him. Twice. I don't think I'll ever recover from being told that you wouldn't like me and I quote "even if hell freezes over."
Y'all ruined guys for me, and you absolutely ruined me for guys. The man I end up with is going to have to overcome the barriers that you made me put up by hurting me.
The times you would ask the guy, "hey, how much do we have to PAY you to kiss her on the cheek," when I was right there with you. I felt worthless. No person should ever have to go through what I did. I spent most of what should be "the best years of your life" in a living hell. How about the scar I have in the front of my mouth from your elbow? I don't even remember why you did that to me. Most of the other ones I can remember reasons. Hahah, here's one: how about the time that you acted like there was some guy a "foreign exchange student" who totally wanted to meet me? Who was oh so perfect for me, but it really ended up being one of your friends who is a girl, who y'all were just playing a prank on me. Or the time you pretended to be a guy, who was someone I knew of, who is in a committed relationship. Or you, one I never expected, who made up a guy when I was young. He wasn't real!! I have no clue how I didn't see that.
Oooh, the people in my class who got my number and called acting like a guy who wanted to "hook up." Yeah, you know exactly who you are. We grew up together. I thought we were good friends. I don't know, maybe middle school changed you. And to the ones who would just say the hateful things to me. It was senior year. I already didn't like you because of the way you treated me before. When bubba came up to the high school, it slowed down a little. But even a little brother couldn't protect me from all of you. In honors English class when you called me stupid and said I wouldn't amount to anything you weren't the only one who believed it; the teacher did too. And by that point in my life, through everything I endured, all of the senseless crap that you put me through, I had started believing it. That day at lunch when I was wearing make up and you told me that I looked like they had put make up on a pig, yeah, haven't touched make up since. And to you who went around saying that I was a slut after I politely declined a date, that may have been the one situation that I didn't let bother me as much as the rest.
I think what hurt the most was the day you hit me in the side of the face with a football. At the time you said it was an accident, then I find out a person I thought I trusted actually bet you that you couldn't do it? That broke me. Of course, at that time I thought I could have trusted all of you. But the scar that runs from the top of my jaw to the front of my teeth on the inside of my mouth is a daily reminder that I should have never trusted any of you. I let you all in thinking I had made forever friends when all I made was awful memories. I would love to be that person who could say that they would change what was done to them, but I can't. Because if you hadn't tortured me I wouldn't be the shy, introverted person I am today. There were days when I would just want to stay home. In the sixth grade you told me that I didn't need help with math that I was just asking for attention; hmm, yeah, I've hated math ever since then. You can own that one hon. And to you who told me that I was not a good singer, congratulations, I believed it. I still don't do scales or drink olive oil before I sing. Oh, and I still believe what you told me, it's almost been ten years now.
And lastly, to all you who have called me fat, regardless of doing it to my face or behind my back, I have some news for you, I KNOW!! There was absolutely no need to keep hammering it into my brain. You treat me like I didn't have a mirror, I looked at it every day and when I couldn't see my ribs, I would be so disappointed in myself. It wasn't me who needed to change, it was y'all. Inner beauty is where it's at. To my mentor in high school, thank you so much for giving me the chance you did, I don't want to imagine what could have happened if I didn't become an athletic trainer. To the girl who helped me up junior year when I slipped twice in a row and the teachers just stood there staring, thank you so much. That was probably one of the first genuine acts of kindness I experienced in that school. To all of the bullies who broke and abused me, thank you. Evil and demeaning don't exactly sound strong enough to describe what you put me through.
To all of my best friends, here and at home, I love y'all. You're showing me what it means to be in a real friendship. You're helping me come out of my shell, you're helping me be as normal as I can be. I couldn't imagine my life without y'all.
Most importantly, to anyone going through bullying, please know that you aren't alone. Please don't end things just because people are making you feel worthless. I was there at one point, life is so worth living. Once you get out of that environment you're going to blossom like the beautiful person you are. Just hang in there. I promise, it gets better.
These days, I try to be as normal as I possibly can. I have amazing friends here at school who are showing me what true friendship means. I apologize any time I accidentally bump into someone or get in their way because I am so jumpy. I am so used to having to change for people, so used to not being good enough. When it comes time to head to the caf, I leave earlier than all my friends because I don't want to inconvenience them with how slow I am. I am so scared to let people in to see the real me because the real me wasn't good enough for you when I was your "friend." I have a real nickname now. I felt so stupid when I thought for TWO years that "JIF" was a super cool nickname. How in the world could I not have known that it stood for Julia Is Fat?? And how in the world could I have let that senior call me "big bacon?" Heck, one person still calls me that and it sends me back into the past. Sometimes I just wonder why I wasn't smarter. I hung around and tried to fit in when that wasn't what I needed.
The rumors that I was told about were so awful. Someone said that I was behind the old field house having sex with someone?? Absolutely not!!! Was it because of my size? Was it because I wasn't pretty? Was it just because I was an easy target? I had to grow up a lot faster than all of you (my bullies), was that why? I'll never forget when I became an athletic trainer. It was the best thing that happened to me. It was the best three years of my life, but the afternoon when two of the athletes took my phone battery and told me to get down on my knees or they were giving me a swirly? I had never been faced with something like that before. This one is always a classic, what about in the second grade? When you punched me in the stomach every day, why in the world did I deserve that? I was eight, what did I do to you?
My friends here are the first people to deal with what happened to me. And when I say deal with, I mean they are dealing with the broken me. Not the Julia I was when you got me. You ruined me for so many people. When you had me you broke me beyond repair. Or at least at the time, I thought you had. There was that time when we were having a sleepover and we did "ugly" makeovers, but I was the only one who was forced to do it. Didn't you realize that I was already in pieces by then? There's also that time when you peed in a cup of sundrop and brought it to me. My God what did else did I let you do to me that I have no clue about? I trusted you. I was a naive girl at that point, I probably shouldn't have been. There's the time that you told the person I liked that I liked him. Twice. I don't think I'll ever recover from being told that you wouldn't like me and I quote "even if hell freezes over."
Y'all ruined guys for me, and you absolutely ruined me for guys. The man I end up with is going to have to overcome the barriers that you made me put up by hurting me.
The times you would ask the guy, "hey, how much do we have to PAY you to kiss her on the cheek," when I was right there with you. I felt worthless. No person should ever have to go through what I did. I spent most of what should be "the best years of your life" in a living hell. How about the scar I have in the front of my mouth from your elbow? I don't even remember why you did that to me. Most of the other ones I can remember reasons. Hahah, here's one: how about the time that you acted like there was some guy a "foreign exchange student" who totally wanted to meet me? Who was oh so perfect for me, but it really ended up being one of your friends who is a girl, who y'all were just playing a prank on me. Or the time you pretended to be a guy, who was someone I knew of, who is in a committed relationship. Or you, one I never expected, who made up a guy when I was young. He wasn't real!! I have no clue how I didn't see that.
Oooh, the people in my class who got my number and called acting like a guy who wanted to "hook up." Yeah, you know exactly who you are. We grew up together. I thought we were good friends. I don't know, maybe middle school changed you. And to the ones who would just say the hateful things to me. It was senior year. I already didn't like you because of the way you treated me before. When bubba came up to the high school, it slowed down a little. But even a little brother couldn't protect me from all of you. In honors English class when you called me stupid and said I wouldn't amount to anything you weren't the only one who believed it; the teacher did too. And by that point in my life, through everything I endured, all of the senseless crap that you put me through, I had started believing it. That day at lunch when I was wearing make up and you told me that I looked like they had put make up on a pig, yeah, haven't touched make up since. And to you who went around saying that I was a slut after I politely declined a date, that may have been the one situation that I didn't let bother me as much as the rest.
I think what hurt the most was the day you hit me in the side of the face with a football. At the time you said it was an accident, then I find out a person I thought I trusted actually bet you that you couldn't do it? That broke me. Of course, at that time I thought I could have trusted all of you. But the scar that runs from the top of my jaw to the front of my teeth on the inside of my mouth is a daily reminder that I should have never trusted any of you. I let you all in thinking I had made forever friends when all I made was awful memories. I would love to be that person who could say that they would change what was done to them, but I can't. Because if you hadn't tortured me I wouldn't be the shy, introverted person I am today. There were days when I would just want to stay home. In the sixth grade you told me that I didn't need help with math that I was just asking for attention; hmm, yeah, I've hated math ever since then. You can own that one hon. And to you who told me that I was not a good singer, congratulations, I believed it. I still don't do scales or drink olive oil before I sing. Oh, and I still believe what you told me, it's almost been ten years now.
And lastly, to all you who have called me fat, regardless of doing it to my face or behind my back, I have some news for you, I KNOW!! There was absolutely no need to keep hammering it into my brain. You treat me like I didn't have a mirror, I looked at it every day and when I couldn't see my ribs, I would be so disappointed in myself. It wasn't me who needed to change, it was y'all. Inner beauty is where it's at. To my mentor in high school, thank you so much for giving me the chance you did, I don't want to imagine what could have happened if I didn't become an athletic trainer. To the girl who helped me up junior year when I slipped twice in a row and the teachers just stood there staring, thank you so much. That was probably one of the first genuine acts of kindness I experienced in that school. To all of the bullies who broke and abused me, thank you. Evil and demeaning don't exactly sound strong enough to describe what you put me through.
To all of my best friends, here and at home, I love y'all. You're showing me what it means to be in a real friendship. You're helping me come out of my shell, you're helping me be as normal as I can be. I couldn't imagine my life without y'all.