I Want Crazy.

     Pepsi has been my saving grace today.  It has been a fairly crazy week.  It has also been a Hunter Hayes kind of week.  I do not even know where to begin.  I was going to talk about my shy complex in this blog, but now I am not sure.


     Fall break officially starts tomorrow and I'm SUPER excited for it!  I get to have a reunion with some of my oldest friends who I have not seen in about five years.


     Sadly, today is two months since my pawpaw passed away.  Sometimes it feels like it has been much longer; others it feels like it has been  only days.  I miss hearing his voice and getting to watch Braves games with him.  I just wish I knew for sure which Brave was his favorite.  Makes me think of my Aunt Mert, I know he is happy to be up in Heaven with her.  Sometimes it is extremely difficult to deal with the loss, today for example.  And days when I am around my mawmaw. <3


Now to my shy complex.  I am actually not sure if it is a shy complex or just an insane fear of rejection.  Or both.  The saying that goes 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,' is obviously a bit old.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about the things that have been done to me.  A lot of them are not even things I want to put on here.  They are things nobody knows about; other than the people who did them to me.


     Yes, I am all about forgiveness; somehow I can not forget though.  I was put through hell.  I see some of the people who did this to me and I think "oh, okay.  They get to be happy.  I get to be haunted by the things they did to me."  For some reason it does not seem fair.  Life was never promised to be fair though, seems a little poetic.


     I am absolutely terrified to let anyone get past the surface of my insecurities.  It is as if I will let my guard down, and I will be the one to get hurt; they will just move on like nothing happened.  I have guarded my heart for so long from meaningful relationships, but I have to learn how to let go.  It is such a difficult process to change.  My heart has been hardened for so long, there is so much to break down.  I am a broken person.  Battered, broken, bruised, and scarred.


     I have managed to make a few close friends while I have been here at school, but how do I start to talk to guys?  There is one I have a crush on here, yet, I am entirely too shy to even say 'Hi' to him.  It is absolutely crazy.  Maybe I am just thinking of it now because I'm nearly 23?  Possibly because I have been single my entire life?  I honestly have no clue.


     God will bring me through this, he has brought me through it all before.  Sometimes I get discouraged when I see all of the happy people around campus and I am just sitting there all alone.  My time will come, I have faith in that.



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On another note, please pray for my campus, and the family of one of the students.  He had an accident this evening and did not make it.  I just pray for peace with the family and our student body.

I feel like I am under reacting, but I am able to empathize with their feelings; I lost two classmates the last two summers.  I just pray that they know they have people to talk to. <3 I am praying for all of y'all.

What is this?

Hey y'all.  So I don't expect to have many people read this; if you do, you're awesome.  Even if you don't you're awesome.  I'm hoping to blog here at least once a week if not more.  This one is somewhat an introduction. :)


My name is Julia, I'm 22 years old, and I love God. :)  I am currently in college to pursue my degree in Youth Ministry.  I have not always been the smartest student, it took me four years to get through community college, but I always say "Better late than never."


I have a brother, and many "brothers," from my brothers baseball.  Confusing, I know.  I am a huge sports fan.  Baseball and football are my top two.


I'm from North Carolina and I have an extremely deep southern accent.


I grew up being bullied all through elementary, middle, and high school.  Not just at school, but everywhere.  That was the downside of being the insecure 'fat' girl.  Thank God I have finally learned to look at myself in a different light.  As it says in Psalm 139:14 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."  God made me, He made me just the way He wanted and I never want to change that.


Despite what's written in the previous paragraphs, I am a damaged person.  I have trust issues, I am extremely introverted until I get used to people, and I have a shy complex. <--- That has to change.  I have to be able to let God control my life because I know that He has already planned out my life and I need to live it for Him.


I have some amazing friends, both back at home and here at school.  Just yesterday we were talking about crushes and who mine was.  That's when I told them that I've been single all 22 years of my life (aside from being catfished).  They were more surprised over the fact that I'm 22 than the fact that I've been single my whole life.  Seriously, best people ever. :)


I am entirely too shy to go up to a guy and talk to them.  Hence my shy complex.  In high school I had a 'friend,' a guy I liked tell me "I won't like you even if hell freezes over." Quite nice, eh?


Well, I think this is it for today. I hope anyone who reads this enjoys it.  The blog will get better as I get more used to blogging; I hope.  Y'all have a blessed day. :)