The absolute worst

So many of y'all have seen me share articles about mental illness,  most of the time about depression and panic disorder. Many of you  probably think I am just being a drama queen. Fair enough, I can  be loud and tell you I am going to cut you (which FYI, is my  passive aggressiveness coming out, I am actually a pacifist. I  truly am trying to tone that one down a lot). But there are times  when I have what I call a bad brain day. Some people wish they  could read minds, I do not wish anyone the experience of being  inside of my head. 

What is a bad brain day? Well, for me a bad brain day is when I  start looking back on every single interaction I had in a day and  trying to figure out how it could have gone better or if it could  have gone differently. One of my biggest fears is upsetting  someone. I am not good at being disliked, trust me. There are  reasons why I keep most people at arms length. It is because once  I let them any closer, they may not like how dark and twisty (yes,  Meredith Grey is onto something there) it gets. Today is one of  those days where I had a bad brain day. Sometimes, there are  triggers, other times my anxiety just kicks in. Today, as I was  leaving work, my brain just kicked into high gear and brought  everything I had done today up. It sucks, but that is what life is  like for me. I've learned to live with it, regardless of how much  the overthinking sucks.

Now onto the panic disorder side of things. I feel like some people  do not get what my panic disorder does to me. First, anxiety is  absolutely exhausting. There truly are days where I just want to  stay in bed and never leave. My panic disorder makes me who I am  regardless of whether I like it or not. The way I look at it is  that things could always be worse, but I'm extremely thankful they  are not. Second, there are triggers. Sometimes my panic attacks are  triggered by too much caffeine, too little sleep, tight spaces  (i.e. why I have to sit on the end of a row), or even nothing  at 

 all. My biggest trigger is sudden, loud noises. That is the reason  why I do not like thunder, popping balloons, or fireworks. If I  know that it is about to happen, I can cover my ears in enough time  to not be as panicked, but that is not always a solid solution.

I have been told that I do not have to know everything, that I am  just ruining the surprise. Well, I have had too little control over  so much in my life  (see: http://julia23bolton.blogspot.com/2014/01/how-to-thank-someone-with-southern.html) that I feel the need to try and control  what I can. I cannot stand surprises, I have had way too many of  them in my life to actually enjoy them. Maybe someday I will have  someone in my life who will make surprises fun again, I honestly  have no clue.

Here is the thing, I have a God who is greater than any disorder I  could ever have. It is amazing seeing His hand on every aspect of  my life so far. Without the experiences I have been through, the  depression, the panic disorder, and the anxiety, I have no clue  who I would be today. I would not change what I have been through  for anything. No matter what, God always prevails, and that is why  I am able to hope even in the midst of my panic. To end this post,  I am going to share one of my favorite pieces of scripture, Psalm  66:10-12. 

"For You, God, tested us;

You refined us as silver is refined.

11 

You lured us into a trap;

You placed burdens on our backs.

12 

You let men ride over our heads;

we went through fire and water,

but You brought us out to abundance."

My scars

I apologize to the people who bullied me. I am still in the process of forgiving you. There has just been so much dislike built up in my heart for y'all for so long. I don't want to say it's hatred, because I have been able to work through that. But the effects of what y'all put me through have, up until now, seemed almost irreversible.

Not only do y'all deserve better, but so do I. I deserve to be happy  and each second I keep dwelling on the past, I let y'all win. That  can't keep happening. I have let my past define me for far too  long. I'm over having a panic attack every time I go home or go to  the freaking grocery store with my mom and inadvertently run into  someone I knew. I'm 25 for goodness sakes, I have to start living  MY life.

Now that I've said that, I can admit probably my biggest flaw, my  picking. Many of you have seen me, or seen pictures of me, and  you've seen the scars on my arms and legs. One of the cafeteria  workers yesterday stopped me and asked what I did to my arm. At  this point in my life, I'm used to that question. I've had to  answer it for years. I've only told few people the reason why I  pick so much. I'd always say it was because the bites itched,  which was somewhat true towards the beginning of each bite. But  the real reason is because when I would pick, it would almost be  like I could feel the stress leaving my body. Picking at my bites  was my way of self-harm. 

Some people might try to tell me that it isn't a way of self-harm,  but my scars would beg to differ. Honestly, I would try to pick  more at the scars on my legs, so that way at least during the  winter they would be less visible. Obviously now, that didn't  work. At this point in my life, picking at my bites has become  more of a habit than a form of release. I am at that point where I  want to quit picking at my arms and legs, but I am almost scared  to because that means that I don't have control anymore. It has  always been the one thing I thought I could control and now that I  am where I am in life, I need to relinquish that control.

I have the most amazing friends here at school and I want to quit  picking because  of them. Because they have shown me love and    compassion. Because they taught me how to trust all over again.      Because they have dealt with the crazy, insecurity that resulted  from my past. Because they have dealt with my panic disorder with  more grace than I ever have been able to. Because they were the  first to reach out to me and haven't let go since. I am so  extremely thankful for the people that God placed in my life here  at school. Without them, I probably would have headed down a dark  road.

To the people who are still in my life back home (who I actually  have relationships with), thank you. Thank you for inadvertently  staying with me even through the darkest times. 

To my mentor Drew, thank you for allowing me the opportunity to be  an athletic trainer in high school. I know that God placed sports  medicine in my life for a reason, and it is only being removed  from high school that I can see he placed it and you there as a  way to help me.

To the many friends I have made at NGU, thank you. I honestly am  speechless because I never knew friends could be so amazing. Y'all  show me new reasons to be thankful for you each and every day. I  can say without a doubt that y'all have changed my life for the  better and you're all the reason I want to stop picking.

Finally, to everyone who is reading this. My scars will be present  forever, but I refuse to look at them and think of what I went  through. I want to look at them as a survivor. I also want to look  at them and know how strong I truly am. I was strong enough to  survive, even when I didn't want to. Everyone has scars. They are  a part of life and you can either learn to look at them as a  burden or as a blessing. Mine are a result of the things I have  been through and I wouldn't change them for the world. I am in such  a great place in my life right now, and I know God has amazing  things in store for me, scars and all. I am happy.

Girls can't like sports...

    Now that I've got your attention. This is not even close to the belief that some people have on the title topic. So if you share this and blast me because I "don't believe that girls can like sports," I reserve the right to call you out for not reading my blog. :) Good luck.

    What this blog is about, though, is why I am so into sports. It obviously isn't something that all girls are into, I just happened to be born into it. I've always been into sports. Not necessarily into playing them, but always into watching them. I grew up playing T-ball and soccer ('98 North Carolina state champs holla) which was always so much fun. I remember the weekends we would travel for games and my mom would stay up braiding our hair, those weekends were some of my favorite memories.

    After I stopped playing soccer, my brother joined an 8U travel baseball team. He always has been the athlete in the family. So that was tons of fun. I made so many new baseball friends who I still keep in touch with today. Not just baseball friends though, their brothers, sisters, and parents. Going through the bullying I did, the weekends and practices were always my place to get away from what I was going through. 

     If y'all know me, you know how much I stand up for my brother. You go after him, you're going after me, and that is not happening. It isn't just my brother I stand up for either. It's my brothers friends, my baseball friends, there are a lot of people on the list. I was a doormat to the people who were awful to me, but I refused (still refuse) to let anyone touch or say anything about my people.

   Now to my teams. I may not choose teams by the conventional standards (colors, a certain player, because they're my hometown team, etc). I have 4 teams for 2 sports. The Yankees, the Braves, the Giants, and the Broncos. There are teams I can't stand. If you're close to me, you know who those are. If you aren't close to me, it doesn't matter who they are.

    I became a Braves fan at the spry young age of birth. My pawpaw was a Braves fan, and he was one of the most influential men in my life. Pawpaw drove me to school and picked me up from school. Pawpaw was the tooth extractor. Pawpaw was just an amazing man, and his love for the Braves was passed on to me. I have always been a Braves fan, and I will always be a Braves fan.

    I became a Yankees fan a little later in life, at the spry young age of 12. I had been surrounded by Yankees fans my entire life. My dad's side of the family is from up north and every time we went to see them, we would go catch the ferry across the river to a Yankees game. At the time, I fought the influence for a long time, but the Yankees are just too powerful for me to ignore. Oh, and if you want to call me a fair weather fan, let's not. Because I will spit of a ton of knowledge on you.

     Now to my Giants. The G-men. My grandpa is from New York, and has been a Giants fan for the longest time. I became interested in the Giants at the spry young age of 14, before they ever won a super bowl in my life. I've been called a bandwagon fan from the start. I have news for all you who call me that, hahah, if I was a bandwagon fan, I would have jumped right off after our last super bowl win. Trust me, when I have a team, I'm there even when they suck. And trust me, it's been a rough few seasons, but I'm still right here with them. Of course, they need to get rid of Jerry Reese real quick, fast, and in a hurry if they want to do anything next season.

    Now to my final team, the Denver Broncos. Now for them, I did somewhat fall into the conventional ways of being a fan. I liked them on and off growing up, but it became more permanent when the Colts sent Peyton Manning packing. Oh goodness, if I had to hear Jim Irsay say that he wanted "more of these," pointing to his super bowl ring one more time, I would have pulled out my hair. Yes, Peyton Manning is one of the reasons I became a Broncos fan, but they also had Tebow (who is amazing). I will also not be called a fair weather fan here either. I will defend myself.

    The Broncos and Giants are two teams, who have almost consistently been underdogs week after week. And if you think I'm saying that for the attention, you couldn't be more wrong. I watched almost every single game this season. I watched, heartbroken when the Giants fell 3 points short of beating the panthers. I watched as Peyton was benched in favor of Brock Osweiler. I watched both of my teams through struggling and, at times, tumultuous seasons. The Broncos are the biggest underdogs in the Super Bowl and I am okay with that.

    There were about 14 days when I didn't watch football though. Those were two rough weeks because it was right after the Giants and Panthers game. I was repeatedly being attacked for my association with the Giants. Apparently you can't like a team and not be okay with one of their players actions. Like I said the day of, I don't agree with what OBJ did. But like I wasn't allowed to say the day of, he wasn't the only one at fault. Some of y'all are going to message me about saying that, and just as a forewarning, I'll ignore your messages.

    If you don't like this blog, feel free to not like it. I've grown tired of trying to be a people pleaser, because it's impossible. Don't message me just because I hurt your fandom's feelings. It's happened before, it'll happen again. As I was reminded 13 days ago when I found out my Broncos would be facing the panthers, I AM entitled to my own opinion. You don't have to like it.

    With the Super Bowl happening in less than 24 hours, I want to say this. I won't talk trash about the panthers. I won't talk trash about their fans. I believe in letting the game do the talking, and I would hope to receive the same respect. If not, it may influence my opinion on you. I wish I could say sorry if it did, but there's a classy way to do things.

   Sports are my release. You may not get it, but you haven't been through what I have been through. Tomorrow night, I will be sitting at home in my Peyton Manning Jersey, my tutu, and with my dog. I will be cheering for my Broncos. I love my guys, and I will be pulling for them as if I was in the stands. Come on boys, let's bring it home!! Let's go Broncos!

Mistaken, Always Second Guessing, Underestimated

     So y'all have seen me share a lot of stuff lately, ranging from cute dogs who died, to sports, to this lovely thing called PCOS. My blog tonight is about PCOS, or the actual name for it: Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I'm also going to tell y'all about my endometriosis and my depression and panic disorder.

     PCOS. Four little letters that have changed my life immensely. PCOS is a hormonal endocrine disorder. 3 of the most visible symptoms for this disorder are the 3 B's: balding, bearding, and bulging. I wasn't diagnosed with this until my senior year of high school, so I had no clue why I had facial hair. All I knew was that it was so embarrassing to basically be growing a beard in high school. Balding, well, I was blessed in that aspect. I was blessed with thick hair, so while I lose a lot of hair, my hair is still so thick. But the biggest symptom of PCOS is bulging, or if I 'm going to be completely honest about it, fatness. I have battled with my weight most of my life, so it is nothing new to me. But each around the side remark I get makes dealing with it a little bit harder.

     Y'all have all seen my blog about the bullying I went through. At the time I was going through that, I had no clue that I actually had a diagnosable medical disorder. In fact, no doctor until I went to the OBGYN ever thought to consider PCOS or even a health condition. With PCOS, if I'm not gaining weight, then I'm staying the same. You might be one of those people who is thinking, work out and/or eat better, well trust me, if that is all it took for me to lose weight, I more than likely would be about a third of what I currently weight. Yeah, I'm that fat. Some of the other symptoms that I have experienced/will experience are things like irregular menstrual cycles, ovarian cysts, diabetes, heart disease, and infertility. (I'll be talking more about the infertility once I talk about my endo.)

     Endometriosis. What is it? Well, basically it is when endometrial tissue is found outside the uterus -- usually in the abdomen on the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and ligaments that support the uterus. So whenever it's shark week, watch out. Endo is an extremely painful thing to have. Also, for anyone who ever wonders/has wondered why I'm so open about shark week, this is why. When I say not to make me mad because it is or almost is shark week, please heed my warning, because I am hurting extremely badly and am trying to avoid having to handle someone. 

           Some of the other symptoms of endometriosis are somewhat similar to the PCOS symptoms, but they add in some things like fatigue, pain before and during shark week, and once again, infertility. That I word constantly sits in the back of my mind. I love family, and that is one thing that I have always wanted. To have a family. Knowing that I may not be able to give my future husband children of his own makes me feel awful. It's something that I can't control, and peace with that is something I pray for every day.

     Now on to my depression and panic disorder. Going through the bullying I did, I naturally developed panic disorder. I have a legitimate fear of people a decent amount of the time. One of my favorite quotes goes something along the lines of, "She's cold, yes...but only because she once cared about someone who didn't care about her." Most of the people I trusted growing up were people who treated me like trash. And yet, I am still such a trusting person. I believe that there is good in everyone. It is so hard to have people sit there and say things like, "just trust in the Lord. He's got this." People also act like I don't know that. When I get told that, it makes me feel even worse because it makes me doubt. Doubt is debilitating. When people tell me that, it depresses me. It makes me think, "Do I really trust God with everything in my life?" I do NOT need to be questioning that. My fears literally pop up at me. I can be sitting in class and my mind wanders and I start thinking, "Hmmm, what if I..." Almost my entire life is inundated with what ifs. 

     I vow not to let any of these things define me. I am a survivor of the things I went through growing up. I smile through the depression. I don't let people know what is going on inside even though I am in almost a constant state of fear. I refuse to let my panic disorder run my life. I still wake up, still go to class, still hang out with friends, even though all I want to do is curl up in a ball and stay in bed. Yeah, I hate that maybe I won't be able to have kids, but I'm trying not to let that get in the way of me finding a future husband. All of these disorders are things that I could let run my life. But I absolutely refuse. 

I WILL smile my way through each day.

Things I learned at 23.

    Well, it's been almost a year since my blog about the bullying I have endured. Amazingly enough, I have learned so much about myself since then. So many things that border from small, to things that completely changed my life. This blog will be about the changes and lessons I have learned.

    Firstly, I learned that I can be happy. Boy was it amazing when I saw how amazing life could be when I forgot and forgave those who were evil to me. I have the most amazing friends that I know I can actually count on. Friends who inspire me on a daily basis. Friends who, even when I am down and depressed, include me and don't expect me to act happy. They get me, they get what I have been through, and they accept me for who I am.

    Second, I have a teacher and fellow youth ministry majors who are just fantastic, and they're all great friends too. When I went in for my internship final, my teacher told me something along the lines of, "Julia it's pretty difficult having 9 brothers." Not going to lie y'all, at first I was completely confused, then I realized he was talking about my classmates. I call them my guys because they're basically brothers to me, and they can be quite hilarious. There's nothing quite like going to a class for your major and feeling like you belong.

    Third, I learned that sometimes, family issues arise. Honestly, that's all I can put on that issue. Family isn't always perfect, and I have had plenty of time to learn that over the last year. As selfish as this may sound, I was sincerely hoping to spend my birthday weekend at home with both of my parents, but that isn't going to be happening. As they say, for every action, there is a reaction. And the reaction for this paragraph may be swift, but I'm not going to cover things up. I'm all about honesty.

    Fourth, I learned that despite how I see myself, there actually can be guys out there that are interested in me. Although, lesson number 4.5 that I learned is to never let myself think that just because a guy is nice to me that he likes me. I let myself in for a bit of heartbreak and a lot of awkwardness for that one. Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely not in love with said guy, but I did like him. And I had others telling me that they thought he liked me. So lets just go back to lesson number one, thank God for my amazing friends. They helped keep that smile on my face, and helped keep me the Jubilee people call me.

    Fifth, I learned that even though I may be alone for the time being, I can still truly be happy for my friends relationships. In a social media focused world, all I am surrounded with is news of pregnancies, engagements, weddings, and babies. Gah y'all. It gets so overwhelming sometimes (most times). Don't get me wrong, weddings and babies are happy occasions, but there are people who are my age who have been married, divorced, and are already engaged again. Or people who get engaged one day, have an argument, their status says single, then the next day they're engaged again. I'm not calling out anyone specific for this. It's just something I'm seeing A LOT. Now to the happy part of this lesson. Because of my amazing friends here at school, I am in the most amazing state of mind, which means I'm happier. Which means that when I have friends getting into relationships, engaged, and married *cough*Mitch&Emily*cough*, it brings me happiness. It just makes me so happy to see those who I love be so happy. They deserve all the happiness in the world.

    Sixth, I was reminded how strong my grandma is. She was diagnosed with breast cancer back in September and underwent a lumpectomy in October. She is an amazing woman who takes care of so many people, even while undergoing radiation treatments (which she is so close to being done with).

    Seventh, I learned that there is something that I would like to do along with youth ministry. That is, wedding designing. Weddings are such happy occasions and I want to help design, plan, coordinate them. That's why I've got so many wedding boards on Pinterest (not just for myself, but for my friends too).

    Eighth, and possibly the last, is that FUGE friends are friends for life. I never thought I would get the email to work FUGE, and even less expected it to be in the location that I absolutely never wanted to go to again. I am so beyond glad that God blessed me with the opportunity, even as a short summer staffer. I got to Kentucky on May 29th, and my goodness, I felt like I left on May 30th. The summer flew by so much quicker than I ever expected. I am so horrible at goodbyes, so needless to say, I shed a lot of tears when it was finally time to come home. I am so lucky to say that I had the most amazing support system at camp, and that our friendships didn't stop after camp. We are all friends for life.

    23 was a fantastic year full of memories, lessons, and just so much amazingness. I turn 24 in a week and I am so excited to see what it has to offer.

Just a forewarning

     Just a forewarning, this blog is like a decent amount of my other ones. About my insecurities, my flaws, and my fears. So if you are tired of reading those, now is the time to stop reading. Just saying.

     If you are still reading this, thanks. It means a lot. :) Now, I am not fishing for compliments with this blog, I am simply trying to explain how I feel. So here goes.

     I have been having this problem the last week or so, a problem with my confidence. At times I am on top of the world, but at others I am low down in the dumps. I have switched my profile picture on all of my social media sites at least 7 times over the last about 2 days.

     I do not like how I look, I repeat; I DO NOT LIKE HOW I LOOK. I am huge, do not try to tell me I am not. That is honestly the one thing I do not like about myself. I mean, the rest of me, I love. My eyes, my smile, my hair? All amazing. Those are things that I once hated about myself. I just wish that I knew how I came to love those things about me, because if I could get over hating my body, I could get over anything.

     Most of my feelings about my looks come from my past. Once you experience something for so long, it becomes natural. Like that time sophomore year when a close friend saw me with make-up on and told me that I looked like they put make-up on a pig. I have hated the stuff ever since. I am just so glad I do not need it. (Like I said though, that is just one example. If you do not know what I am talking about, read the blog about how to thank people with southern hospitality.)

     If I could just learn to love myself, I could let people in so much easier. I feel so bad when I meet new people and I am so closed off from them. They desrve a person who is not so hard to get to know, because trust me, it takes so much time with me. These walls I have built are so thick, I am just constantly praying they will come down eventually. If you are new in my life, DO NOT give up trying to get to know me, the more I learn to trust you, the more my walls start coming down. (Trust me.) I mean, how can I expect anyone to truly love me, if I cannot show them the real me?

     Anyways, I think I am done ranting for tonight. The point I am trying make is that if I am annoying you with all of the changing of my profile pictures, it may be time for you to unfriend me. I sincerely apologize if it is annoying. Bear with me. I am trying.

Cheers to this year

     Today isn't a good day in my brain. I'm not 100% sure why. So I decided to blog and sort of give y'all an inside view of what my mind looks like on days like today. I guess I should start by answering y'alls first question: why isn't it a good day in your brain today? Well, if I could answer that I would probably attempt to fix it on my own, because I don't like depending on others to help me. It's funny because people don't normally see this side of me; the sad, depressed, unhappy Julia. I really don't like letting this side come through.

     All of this anxiety and depression, the way my brain sometimes runs now, is because of everything I've been through. Y'all know what all that is, the blog about it got a whole lot of views and I know most of you read it. Sometimes, my mind just decides to go back to that. It's like a flashback to high school, and that honestly sucks, I don't choose to relive these things. Yeah okay, "mind over matter," right? Well it is my mind that is doing this to me. Why would I ever flip back to being depressed or anxious when I've been doing so good? I don't know. It isn't my decision. If I had the choice, I would be happy go lucky smiling so big that my face hurts. I have the most amazing friends (which I talk about all the time to y'all), the most amazing people I worked with at camp this summer (who I also talk about all the time), and the most amazing major/people in my major (who I've told most of y'all about), so why should I have to be in this mindset right now?

     Depression isn't anyting to play with. I mean, I've lived with it for so long, I know that's what I'm feeling tonight. For me personally though, I'm hitting a wall right now. Yeah, I forgave all the people who tormented me, but depressed Julia doesn't give a crap about that. Depressed Julia wants to be mad and angry at all those people. So why is it so easy to go from happy to depressed? Because of my insecurities. I am probably the most insecure person some of y'all will ever meet in your lives. I've been beat down for so long that I can't get back up. Happy Julia promises to conquer this. I know that I've got God on my side.

     Funny story, on July 12 I was sitting outside the chapel in Kentucky with Jules and Zach reminiscing on the summer and just spending a little bit longer as JJZ (double JZ). Legitimately one of the best nights of the summer (there were a lot of those). As we were sitting there they were remembering what the first few days were like when all of the staff arrived. Zach talked about how I was the first few days. He said that everyone could tell that I was ready to make a run for it. I would always sit by the door and not talk to anyone. I wasn't actually ready to run (I don't run). I sat there because it was cooler and if I needed to get out to the bathroom or anything, I didn't want to get in anybodys way by having to walk around or over them.

     Now to my biggest issue: panic/anxiety disorder. There is absolutely nothing fun about having panic attacks, about being scared to meet new people, about trying new things. The one that I struggle with the most is definitely meeting new people. I am absolutely awful at it. Anytime I meet someone new I get scared that I'm going to upset them, or that I'm not good enough. Of course, I do that with everything because I never feel like I'm good enough (not to sound cocky, but I'm flipping awesome). To those of y'all who made me feel like I'm worth nothing, you've ruined me. Yeah, with the blog about forgiving you I made it seem like I'm perfectly fine, but I'm not. Y'all left permanent emotional (and physical) scars that I pray to someday recover from.

     I don't choose anxiety. It isn't something I'd wish upon my worst enemy because nobody deserves to feel like I am right this second. Crying it out normally helps, but I don't even have the tears for it tonight. Anyways, back to meeting new people and being awful at it. People wonder why I'm so socially awkward, my past is why. I refuse to give anyone 100% of me until I feel I can trust them. And to the people who I've  not quite started to trust yet, please be patient with me. They say that trust is a hard thing to earn and that's doubly true with me. The people I trusted way back when shattered it with a snap of their fingers. So I'm sorry, I'm trying. Even if you're one of my friends and it seems like I'm a little off or not into it, be patient. I am trying, it takes me a while and I am so extremely sorry for that. I let my bullies have so much power over me and I'm still trying to get out from under the weight of that pain. Yes, I am on medicine for my anxiety, it has helped me tremendously. You think it's bad now? Imagine what it was like when I was in high school. It was awful.

     I don't know what I did to get blessed with the people in my life. I must be the luckiest girl in the world because the people that I'm surrounded by are the best people. I thank God every day for them and I know that He is working through them to help me through this. God has huge things in store for me and I am so extremely excited to see what He has planned. I'm gonna leave y'all with my favorite verse, which is extremely cliche because it's most people, but it was with me when I started dealing with my issues. It's Jeremiah 29:11, and when I first read it, I just couldn't see the beauty in that verse. But God pulled me through my situation and I now know that verse helped me survive, it still does.

     Thanks for reading this y'all. I'm feeling so much better now that I've blogged this out.



One of my favorite inspirational songs.      <-------- Listen to this.